MELLOW LOONS...

...we piled into the white , decomposing , eight seat van

...there were no seatbelts so we used chewed up tires found on a planet made of rubber



...the sound of flying rocks is a close second to that of mellow loons , frigging around the lake .

CENTIPEDE...NOVEMBER 1982

i played centipede in the shopping mall with you , my friend .

winning in centipede is knowing that you couldn't do any better .



winning is having the game somehow erupt into truth and intimacy and hope for real love in a bumfucked civilization .

BACK AT THE RANCH...

...the golden wheat field spread like a radioactive , well used vagina

...the straw curved like a pervert's unchained mind   



...meanwhile...back at the ranch...CHUCKIE GOT A  HAND JOB  IN THE CHAPEL...go , chuckie , go !!!

POCKET PUSSY...APRIL 2016

there is a pocket pussy shaped like a flash light...

we have that pocket pussy deep within us... 



that is...we want to hide ourselves from the universe and pretend we are a pussy .

THE WORKING GIRL...2010

...she told me all about her boyfriend

...i replied..."besides the nice teeth and whale skin boots...he sounds like a homicidal maniac"



...a few weeks later...she was dead and he was  imprisoned  

DECEMBER 1987...GOOD - BY

...so we ate cheese cake and drank BECKS IMPORTED , fucking delicious ''wind of change'' brew , in some place called LE CAVE .

...the thing about doing everything perfect is you have no other place to go.


...we all look for grasshoppers in the snow...not so we can bite their heads off...( although there is a place for that )... but so they can give us a something to follow .

SIR ELTON JOHN...SUMMER 2000

i was talking to this record store clerk about the time that i thought i saw ELTON JOHN on a nude beach on the french riviera...( cap di , to be specific )...

suddenly...in walked this dude who looked exactly like Mr . John...




we chatted...got him to sing BENNY AND THE JETS...he did a short GREATEST HITS MELODY...then he buggered off .

BASEBALL TENNIS...SUMMER 1985

i played tennis against this fellow from a fogged in island off of the south tip of new scotland...

he dressed like a CHICAGO WHITE SOX  second base dill-do salesman...




he went cod fishing in between games...and had his pecker chewed off  by a school of herring .

BULLY AT AGE 10

...there was this bully in grade 5...

...we called him sir...



...but after i fucked him up...we collectively referred to him as GOLF BALL HEAD .

I . C . Y . C ...JULY 1992

i told this boy's father that his kid was violent...

he threatened to kill me...



and i don't think he understood the irony of the situation .
 

THE DEVIL...1988

...i saw the devil outside the tennis count

...he was skinnier than a maple tree



...he reminded me of this bully in grade five...but with no cock

AUSTRALIA...1988...TOWNSVILLE , BULLETIN

my friend climbed up the coconut tree as i sat in the car and chewed gum...

he claimed to do it with the power of jesus...



then he tripped over one of the coconuts and bruised the universe within his soul and  testicles .  

SOMETIME IN 1992

...the man butchered the boy into little pieces

...as his wife watched and ate a submarine sandwich with extra cheese and olives




...it was a sunny day

BIRTHDAY PRESENT / 1982

i bought my girlfriend a vibrator for her birthday...

thing is...it occurred to me pretty fucking quickly...



that i was creating competition for myself and her finger...( which one....i forget ) .

JULY 1976...IT WAS A SUNNY DAY

i had just come home from an atlantic canadian tennis tour...

my mates were smoking pot down on the rail road tracks , blowing smoke at the conductor like sperm on a cream pie...

maybe exactly like that...i was too stoned to tell...and why was a fucking marshmallow man driving that fucking train , anyway ???    

BAY SIDE 1992

the steel canoe hit the side  of the wharf , compliments of the ocean and the wind...

the sound was one of nature's finer , she worked fucking hard , indeed...




besides that and the loons...nothing else was natural is the christian summer camp .

BAMBI...1966 / 1968

when i was five or six...my mother took me to see BAMBI...

BAMBI got a raw deal...just like in that movie...



you know...RAW DEAL...with THE TERMINATOR...reindeer are so unpredictable...and bambi's mother was too fucking slow .

NOODLES...1983 - 1985

...at age 21 or so...i discovered NOODLES IN A CUP...what a fucking trip

...i got just about everyone in the store to buy some



...warning...NOODLES IN A CUP does not make your cock hard...but they sure save you a pretty penny .

GIRLFRIEND...1995

...my girlfriend went SKINNY DIPPING  with a client with no clothes on

...she is a prostitute...a real back-seat driver




...and , boy...did i feel jealous

JAN . 1988 / DEC . 1989

...in the HALIFAX airport...i cried and cried...and they allowed me three extra bags of luggage for free

...same thing in TOWNSVILLE , AUSTRALIA...exactly




...and the message : be a big baby...but do up your pants and don't mention politics .

THE DOG AND THE CHOCOLATE BAR

i am presently in the bath tub , looking at the back of my sneaker...


 it looks half like a yorkshire terrier and half like...well...something else...




my parents used to have a yorkie...it flew around the living room looking for kit -kats , suspended up there like reality .  

EASTER 1967 - 1969

...it was easter time in west green harbour

...the bunny put wood in the fire place and father drank his scotch and whisky



...mom sat in the rocking chair...having visions of getting the fuck out of this place .

WALKING BY YOUR PLACE...1981 / 1983

everyday i walked by your house...you served me milk and chocolate chip cookies...

i would lick the chocolate chips and go cross-eyed...



then we would talk about wierdo's...and their place in the universe...how many wierdo's to spoil a banana cream pie .

LATE JUNE 1978

i sat on the teeter totter...and went up and down...

i sat on you...and did the same...



in the long run...the teeter totter...was far less problematic...

EVERYTHING MEANS SOMETHING...2000...or there abouts

i flipped this coin...and it landed on its side....the odds of this ???

fucking close to one in infinity...give or take three or four...



...everything in life means something...question is...what ???

THE SUMMER OF 1981

just down the street , turn right...there was this sandwich shop that served...sandwiches...

the cook would pour the meat over a fully , bathed in sweat , naked body and squeeze it and lick it and cast spells upon it...



i liked mine with extra cheese and olives .

JESUS THE ROCK , 1979

...we swam to the rock...and dedicated it to JESUS

...the mermaids were naked , stroking themselves like baboons on a reality show



...as the sun licked the vagina of the melancholy blue sky , blinking in rhythm with  space and time .

EEL FISHING...1972

we would tie this hook to a thick piece of twine...throw it off the wharf...

eels would pull like a tractor...practically ripping the rope from our hands...



and you wonder why i never put my penis in there .

BERMUDA...1972 and 1973

when i was 10 i went to bermuda and had some chicken...

of course , that is not all we did


we watched people take off their clothes in the changing room as well .

OZZY LADY...2002 or so

...i walk into a card and photo shop...and what do i see in front of me...a picture of my girlfriend and her x - husband...

...and to make it even weirder...she is from and lives in AUSTRALIA...



...a sign from GOD...indeed...a sign that i am a fucking idiot who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground .

THOU SHALL NOT MASTUEBATE

when i was 14 years old , the jehova whitnesses gave me a book partially on how not to masturbate...

i read it...and it made me whornie as shit...



so much for their weird little theological gum ball machine .

HERBY THE DOPE PLANT

my brother named his dope plant , HERBY...

HERBY died at a very young age...



HERBY was cremated and forgotten like  the morning fog . 

GOD ??? YES !!!

my brother played ice hockey in the midget league...then there was that fatal day...

he forgot to take off his skate blades...and went flying all over the fucking place...



IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT THAT I BEGAN TO BELIEVE IN GOD .

WINTER RETREAT 1998 - 2012...or there abouts

...every winter retreat , i would buy some music in bridgewater... ( a small town on the way )...

...new , fresh music never heard before or , possibly...abandoned from my heart and soul through time and broken screen doors...

...it was my surgery...and i was attempting to implant memories...to give myself something to hold onto...like a stoned  monkey a batch of bananas .


BANANA , BANANA...MY WORLD FOR A BANANA .

GAVIN AND MYSELF...1990

i was having lady problems...you know...with ladies...

so me and my young adolescent friend...picked up a couple of prostitutes...



and offered them a free ride home...if they could just answer...SOME FUCKING QUESTIONS... you know...us juvenile prostitutes at the feet of a queen mother prostitute .    

SELAH ERA...1995 - 2000

the best parties were the ones where i didn't know a fucking soul...

we just somehow got to these things...not sure how , sometimes



we played troll games...and didn't the kids love them...just fucking around in the troll universe .

STU AND SCOTT 2000 and...something

scottie and i were walking home...and there they were...this 300 pound guy and his hulk hogan buddy...

i just had to arm wrestle these monsters...and i did...and i won...barely...



first prize...front row pay per view wrestling complete with beer and pizza the next week...and new friends , as well .

SOME STOLEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT BACK

kevin stole my dinosaur collection...

i found it under his bead while playing hide and seek...

thing is...45 years later...i still can't figure out how he did it...must have stuck them up his ass or something .

MY FATHERS WHISKY...1966 - 1970

my father drove the car...i sat beside him...

" pour my fucking whisky "...the words dribbled out of his mouth like pulverized sausages from bigfoot's ass...


" never drink and drive , son...you may hit a bump and spill some ''...was his next sentence...at which point...i was thoroughly confused .

SELAH 1995 - 1999 ERA

in university , i attended ,maybe...two or three "frat " parties...

as an ordained minister...i indulged like a monkey... 

i even bought my own monkey costume and brief case full of bananas just so i wouldn't look conspicuous

.

SELAH 1995 - 1999 ERA

it was a summer party , complete with singing birds and stuffed elephants and kids rolling joints...

KIDS ROLLING JOINTS ??? HOLY SHIT !!! i took a hot dog and squeezed it in my hand



until hot dog guts oozed its way down the bun and onto the city street...like a demented polar bear ejaculation .

SELAH...1995 - 1999 ERA

we had a party on top of the roof...( like the james taylor song but different ) ...

across the driveway...we could look in the window and see this little fruit cake molesting his gun...sucking it with his mouth...



i wonder what would have happened if i had thrown a rock through the glass and conked him on his skinny little head ???

BOWLING 1968...A MASTER IN TRAINING

i went bowling by myself when i was six years old...

i put out my WHITE OWL CIGAR...and picked up a very round ball...


then i threw the the little fucker right into the lane right next to mine...i knocked over four of some guys pins...fuck , was he pissed off .

TRIXIE...1971 - 1973

trixie was my non - spaniel , non - college educated early 70's part terrier dog...

trixi did not know how to bark , nor sky dive into a better tomorrow...



so when she got trapped inside a time warp and got transported across the universe and back...she didn't say a fucking thing .  

JOHN BELUSHI DIES...FEB . 1982

i was in edmonton ,  alberta...a chanook licked the landscape like a dog his testicles. (left one first)...

i had just bought VAN MORRISON...BEAUTIFUL VISION...two years before...INTO THE MUSIC had changed my definition of what it was like to be half electric coyote / half slug ...  



later on , in the ASSHOLE STORAGE HOTEL...i heard the news...john belushi had died...not enough drugs , apparently...and they were saying it was fatal .

THE 1994 - 1997 SELAH ERA...THE PARTY

i can't remember where i was or any of that shit and crackers...

all i know is i went through the wrong door and spent the rest of the night with this intergalactic space monkey...



we talked about  the old days...throwing pies at dinosaurs and bending water like noodles...her tits covered the captain crunch with crunch berry  map of the universe...  

A KANGAROO STORY...AUSTRALIA JAN . 1988

there i was in the middle of the rain forest...having a piss...

SUDDENLY...kangaroos to the left...kangaroos to the right...


i began to think of the kangaroo within my soul ...what was his favourite movie ??? STAR TREK 4 ???

THE RADIO ANTENNA...1972 - 1975

...i hooked up a radio antenna to the top of the roof...

...just to hear one particular song...YOU LOOK GOOD IN DENIM , by james leroy



...and all the stupid monkeys in the trees , especially the ones with half eaten brains...  thought it was a great idea .

religion...1978 - 1999

what i learned in church is...if you have power....

you can use someone's nose to wipe your ass with...brag about it...



and still be the guest of honour...even if your dick is hanging out of your pants .

DEMON OUTSIDE THE TENNIS COURT...1988 , AUSTRALIA

hey , momma...there is a demon outside the tennis court...and he ain't fetching the balls...

i wonder if he is any good ??? does he cheat ??? is he looking for satan's approval ???


we all struggle to find out what is real and what is illusion...is the universe just a giant nut sack ???

CHRISTMAS AT THE LIBRARY...DEC . 1974

i was 12 years old...i sat in the library looking out the breast milk splattered intergalactic window...

people walking their dogs with little red coats with BATMAN smoking a freshly rolled joint...



do you know why people love BATMAN ??? because he is fucking nuts , that's why !!! and , yea , he hides his sexuality...people like that , too .

ONE OF MY MORE INTERESTING ADVERTISERS...2008

...this chinese , born again christian fellow advertised with my publication for fucking years

...for the life of me...i couldn't understand why

...as it turns out...he couldn't read or write english...not a word...he was just hoping what i was saying was not offensive to him


...HE WAS WRONG !!!

BARRINGTON ST . 1987 ???

it was the night of the day of the dawn of the vampires...in the middle of the afternoon...

there were these punk rock kids...rough and hard...looking to prove einstein and his fucking theory wrong...

5 minutes later...troy...( yes , ''thee'' troy )...and myself...had the little whipper-snappers singing camp songs...


'' BROWN SQUIRREL...BROWN SQUIRREL...SHAKE YOUR BUSHY TAIL'' .

BOO BEAR...MARCH 2016

i say...HI , BOO BEAR...and guess what ??? both girls were named BOO BEAR

i just pulled BOO BEAR out of my ass...purely intuition...and there they were


next question...WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD YOU NAME SOMEONE BOO BEAR ???

THE TOWNSEVILLE BULLETIN...1989

...my boss takes the resume...then shakes the fellows hand and nods politely

...as the gentleman leaves...my boss pulls down his pants and wipes his ass with it...


he walks over to me and asks me if i want a smoke .

COMING HOME...DEC . 24 1089

-when i came home from australia , my dog peed herself

-and in that puddle i found an ocean of joy

-where many people would attempt to drown me

MY FAVOURITE 4 MONTHS...SEPT . / DEC . 1987

-i would walk to the shopping mall , i don't know...three miles away or so

-me and my faithful friend ,  bingo...would hustle the little fuckers at board hockey

-lure them into a false sense of security...then pounce and grab like an excommunicated catholic caveman   on two for one day


-i was bubble hockey king shit .

DECEMBER 1989 , HALIFAX SHOPPING CENTRE

-we will re-set your nuts and get you stoned on shame

-free ice cream cone included if you don't piss in your seat


-ice cream additional cost...unless you can lick it out of your ass while singing hymn 27 from the blue hymn book .  

SHE WAS MY FIRST...APRIL 1978

...and i remember coming home from her apartment , thanking GOD

...and MRS . GOD...just in case .

SUMMER 1978...TENNIS

along with 1975...the sunniest summer of my life...and the wins and the hand jobs were in abundance .


warning...you are better off if you don't attempt both at the same time .

WINDSOR CLASS ''A''...1977

every tennis player wants to be a rock and roll star...which , of course , involves...being an idiot when someone lets you camp out in their nice , country clubhouse .

good news...no animals were hurt .

MY BROTHER'S FUNERAL

my brother's funeral was in the middle of the woods...

my drunken father sat beside me in the car screaming at me to go faster...


i said...''father , i can't hit the raccoon...it's in the fucking tree ''...but he would not
take ''no'' for an answer .

MY BROTHER'S DEATH...SEPT . 1986

-my brother worshipped guns...and what killed him ??? a duck , actually

-but there was a gun involved...

-ducks with guns....mother nature's new twist of the tit .

APRIL 5 2016

writing about the song...UP ON A ROOF...get to my coffee house...guess what song they are playing ???coincidence , right , ??? well , sure... except for one thing...it has happened about 1000 times now .

as the universe unfolds...do not forget to bend !!!

SELAH...1995 - 1999

after our communication with THE SUPREME BEING...it was beer drinking time...
UP ON A ROOF...

...thing is...the neighbours had guns and looked stupid enough to use them...unprovoked .

BAYSIDE CAMP... 1992

it was the summer of 1992...i dressed up as bigfoot...and scared the shit out of a bunch of girls...

...it was the first time i felt like a man...

...most of them cried.

I HAD A GREAT TIME...AUGUST 1980

last week of camp...we write our own job description...

i was exhausted...fucking around and listening to neil young was my AGREED assignment...

so i did...and even the director was fuck up by how fast they turned on me...

wolverines...singing kum-by-ya...and sucking blood like ice cream .    

INNER CITY YOUTH CLUB...1991 - 1992

i rigged a bicycle lottery...why did i do such a thing ??? simple...people who treat me like shit 
shouldn't get a bicycle for it .

everyone else...got pet frogs .

ME AND SUE AND MY MUTT

my schnauzer licked princess diana ...on the cheek .

she should be proud to be singled out by such a noble beast .

FRIENDS...1974

my mother's best friend took me and her son to cape breton ...we got drunk  and ran down the hotel halls in our underwear .

before the journey...she had to rescue me from my father...( i wish i heard that conversation ) .

JAN . 11 1988...AIRPORT , HALIFAX

...i cried at the airport...they handled my luggage for free .

...plus...she took off her bra...and let me snuggle into her amazing boson .

...now that is what i call an airport .

MAY 1979 CANDY , MY SPANIEL

...being carried to the vet...she died in my arms...one of god's better ideas...gone...

...oh , spaniel , my spaniel .

DARRYL...1979

...darryl was a friend...who traded oranges for lemons...

...antarctic lemons...that spoke backwards while being hurdled into the moon .

 

200?...WEDDING BY THE TRUCKLOAD

i said the name of JESUS in this wedding prayer...the guy behind the podium fainted dead away...but not before he threw a bucket of piss...or something like that...across the audience .

oh , yes...then the young couple tripped on a branch strategically placed by elves .

JULY 1979...NEW UNDERWEAR

this kid wanted to talk to me...turns out...his parents made him wear magic hitler underwear...and they itched like fuck .

...i gave him three new pairs of SCOOBY - DO underwear the next day...he felt better . 

DARRYL...1990

...darryl calls me on the phone...and talks...and talks...and talks...i go away for a while to have a shit...come back...darryl is still talking .

...and what he is saying is retarded , too .