...so i would walk into BAGEL WORKS
...wearing nothing but my bath robe
...and get a free breakfast
...the customers were confused
Friday, December 30, 2016
Wednesday, December 28, 2016
NOVA SCOTIA JR . DAVIS CUP...1976
...our team was affectionately referred to as THE WAEG WALTIC FAGGOTS
...maybe...maybe not...regardless...we sucked our way to victory
...trophies high , penis low
...it was the best of time , it was the smurf of times
...maybe...maybe not...regardless...we sucked our way to victory
...trophies high , penis low
...it was the best of time , it was the smurf of times
Sunday, December 25, 2016
FAMILY GATHERING 1969
we stole the general's secret recipe...
pitched a tent in the back yard...
my brother ate the neighbours cat...
and my three flavour pop cycle melted into the sun .
pitched a tent in the back yard...
my brother ate the neighbours cat...
and my three flavour pop cycle melted into the sun .
Friday, December 23, 2016
DAWN....APRIL - JULY 1979
i had a lady friend and her name was DAWN...
i walked to her place and she was gone...
ONTARIO , that is...
swimming pools , movie stars .
i walked to her place and she was gone...
ONTARIO , that is...
swimming pools , movie stars .
Monday, December 19, 2016
MID SEVENTIES...I WAS NOT INVOLVED
...my brother stole my mothers's vodka
...then he replaced it with water
...her best friend said it was a good vintage
...my brother nodded .
...then he replaced it with water
...her best friend said it was a good vintage
...my brother nodded .
Sunday, December 18, 2016
HALIFAX NATAL DAY CLASS '' A '' , 1985
...i won the halifax natal day tennis tournament...in truro...
...BUT it has been pointed out to me...WHO THE FUCK CARES ???
...as long as you get your pocket pussy and your set of lawn chairs...
...that is all that matters .
...BUT it has been pointed out to me...WHO THE FUCK CARES ???
...as long as you get your pocket pussy and your set of lawn chairs...
...that is all that matters .
Thursday, December 15, 2016
MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND...1978
hard rock got her off...
me...soft rock...so we compromised...
and played BOSTON...
my penis steered the spaceship into the vast universe .
me...soft rock...so we compromised...
and played BOSTON...
my penis steered the spaceship into the vast universe .
Sunday, December 11, 2016
a tent , 1967 or so...
chrissi had a tent...
i went inside..
and she was there naked...
then i had a tent as well .
i went inside..
and she was there naked...
then i had a tent as well .
Friday, December 9, 2016
...the black snake on the road...
...on the road , just outside of townseville
i see a spirit in the form of a snake...
what the tropical forest lacks in blueberries...
it makes up for in evil spirits .
Saturday, December 3, 2016
FEBRUARY 2008...MY FATHER
...my father blew his head off his shoulders...SUPERBOWL SUNDAY .
...i guess he wasn't a STEELERS fan .
...i guess he wasn't a STEELERS fan .
Saturday, November 26, 2016
...JULY 3 1979
...in nova scotia , canada...
the strawberry growing season...
is actually three days long ...
...minus the mystery minute .
the strawberry growing season...
is actually three days long ...
...minus the mystery minute .
Monday, November 21, 2016
SOUTH SHORE CLASS '' A ''...1985
she is on the hood of the car...
drinking GOLDEN GLOW WITH CRACKERS...
her breath fogs the window...
it was a sunny day .
Friday, November 18, 2016
wintertime...anyone will do...
my favourite thing...
is to drive out into the country...
with a cup of coffee...
and an imaginary dog on my lap...
is to drive out into the country...
with a cup of coffee...
and an imaginary dog on my lap...
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
KYLIE SEES THE DEMON...JUNE / NOV ...1988
kylie sees DESTROVER , a tall , thin , circumcised demon that has been
...drilling a hole up my ass for some time now
...she describes it right to the third nipple on its left testicle .
...she said she gave it a SNICKERS BAR and it bummed a smoke and a beach ball .
Wednesday, November 9, 2016
...my penis , stupid...( april 1978 )
...my first kiss was...
...well...not bad...
...just three feet higher...
...than i was hoping for .
...well...not bad...
...just three feet higher...
...than i was hoping for .
Sunday, November 6, 2016
FLARMOLOGY...1996 - UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME...
...more than all else / i want a dog / named FLARMONY - SNAR - NAR - NAR
...was read by hundreds if not thousands of people throughout the land...including john prine and valdy and buck 65 .
...was read by hundreds if not thousands of people throughout the land...including john prine and valdy and buck 65 .
Thursday, November 3, 2016
1988 - 1999...TOWNESVILLE
saturday mornings in australia...
chicken would go half price...
so i would buy one...
and eat the fuck out of it .
chicken would go half price...
so i would buy one...
and eat the fuck out of it .
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
...bowling and saying..." i love you ''
we get all fucked up...
just like scooby-do...
we drive across the universe...
her tits swing in the moonlight .
Monday, October 24, 2016
AN ODE TO A YOUNG MAN...AUGUST 1980...SUMMER CAMP
i threw the football fuckaly...
down the field of life
darrly cough it with his penis
better than than " the clap " .
Friday, October 21, 2016
august 1980 p.e i .ferry
the angel appeared to me...
at the ferry terminal...
i asked him if he needed money for the ride...
he told me his father was driving the boat .
at the ferry terminal...
i asked him if he needed money for the ride...
he told me his father was driving the boat .
Thursday, October 20, 2016
1975...P . E . I ...CAVENDISH
...anyone can order a mushroom pizza
...few get one with actual mushrooms on top of it
...'' many are called...few are chosen '' .
...few get one with actual mushrooms on top of it
...'' many are called...few are chosen '' .
Monday, October 17, 2016
2016...APRIL...MY COAT
i placed my coat around the universe
and stars burned through the leather
i places it around a greyhound
and the cold winter night warmed like coffee .
Thursday, October 13, 2016
SAYING GOOD-BY... OCTOBER 1994
...i gave my ''partner'' my stuffed animal collection
...then he got in a motorbike accident and died
...not a thing the stuffed animals could do
...feathers dripped from their eyes .
...then he got in a motorbike accident and died
...not a thing the stuffed animals could do
...feathers dripped from their eyes .
Friday, September 30, 2016
RED FALCON...2011
...is there life after death ??? yup...of course...
is there real life before death is the issue .
i gave a friend a memorial service...
and there he was...smiling...eating his popcorn...having the time of his life .
is there real life before death is the issue .
i gave a friend a memorial service...
and there he was...smiling...eating his popcorn...having the time of his life .
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
naked in the lake...
i was naked in the lake
suddenly , i felt a corpse beside me
i turned up the music so the frogs could here .
suddenly , i felt a corpse beside me
i turned up the music so the frogs could here .
Thursday, September 22, 2016
...the sound of...
i remember the sound of going to chapel at summer camp...
your bird swinging back and forth in your short pants...
your sneakers marching upon the parched summer ground...
rice crispy squares would be soon to follow .
your bird swinging back and forth in your short pants...
your sneakers marching upon the parched summer ground...
rice crispy squares would be soon to follow .
Thursday, September 15, 2016
INNER CITY YOUTH CLUB...sept . 1991 - sept . 1992
...i had the white kids...pretend to be black...
...and reinvent the game of basketball...
...we called it...WHORE HOOPS .
...and reinvent the game of basketball...
...we called it...WHORE HOOPS .
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
THE CAKE TAISTED LIKE PISS... ...1997
25 years after grade five...
i was the best man at my french teacher's wedding...
i was the best man at my french teacher's wedding...
...the cake tasted like piss .
Sunday, September 11, 2016
mid june 1978
my favourite sound , the sound of swings , swinging
second , the song of a loon by a lake in the woods
...then there is the delightful sound of
cookies baking in the oven as the cat pisses on the rug .
second , the song of a loon by a lake in the woods
...then there is the delightful sound of
cookies baking in the oven as the cat pisses on the rug .
Thursday, September 8, 2016
DIVORCE...OCT . 31 1970
...there is no happier day...than DIVORCE DAY .
...THE DIVORCE PIG...comes through your back door...
and shits all over your carpet...and does a dance in the sink .
...THE DIVORCE PIG...comes through your back door...
and shits all over your carpet...and does a dance in the sink .
Wednesday, August 31, 2016
1966...OR SO...THE BEATLES
...the first time i heard THE BEATLES...was probably 1966
...but they looked more human than beetle .
...i had a PAUL MCCARTNEY haircut...even before i even knew who PAUL was .
...but they looked more human than beetle .
...i had a PAUL MCCARTNEY haircut...even before i even knew who PAUL was .
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
PURDY' S WHARF...1994
...in life
...sometimes the claw of a demon
...is no more than a turkey foot .
...sometimes the claw of a demon
...is no more than a turkey foot .
Monday, August 22, 2016
never the eight size...
...i sailed with my grandfather
...his ship , however , was too small
...for a man who wanted a ship too fucking big .
...his ship , however , was too small
...for a man who wanted a ship too fucking big .
Saturday, August 20, 2016
august 20 - 30 1980
...the last week of camp
...the meteorite shower was in full bloom
...one for every sip of labrador tea that fell into my mouth
Thursday, August 18, 2016
down by the river , september , 1980
...we went DOWN THE RIVER
...sort of like neil young
...the current splashed upon my penis .
...sort of like neil young
...the current splashed upon my penis .
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
NORTHERN LIGHTS...1981
...at age 19 i saw the northern lights
...they were drinking chocolate milk by the school yard
...or , maybe...that was me...i can't remember .
Monday, August 15, 2016
the fall of 1983
...the fall of 1983
...was our warmest and most beautiful autumn
...but somehow , every fucking goose there was...drowned in its own blood .
...was our warmest and most beautiful autumn
...but somehow , every fucking goose there was...drowned in its own blood .
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
1990 - 1994...LANDSCAPES
the sun set low...it had nowhere else to go...
...go...stay...in the long run...
...there is not a lot of difference...or anything .
...go...stay...in the long run...
...there is not a lot of difference...or anything .
Friday, August 5, 2016
THE VALLEY...1970 - 1976
-we drove to the valley
-and we stole the farmers apples
-i nearly pissed myself laughing as he chased us over the fence .
-and we stole the farmers apples
-i nearly pissed myself laughing as he chased us over the fence .
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
1990 - 1994...BLACK DOGS
...i took her swimming
...all she would do is bark and go around in circles
...and recite ancient greek mythology from a lustful text
...all she would do is bark and go around in circles
...and recite ancient greek mythology from a lustful text
Monday, August 1, 2016
SUMMER CAMPING...1992 - 1995
...at the baptist youth camp they play for keeps
...all that sexually repressed energy storming up your ass hole
...just like their alien messiah demanded .
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
summer camping 1993 - 1995
...there was this child in penguin slippers
...he would fly acress the lake
...as the rest sang camp songs and got high .
...he would fly acress the lake
...as the rest sang camp songs and got high .
Sunday, July 24, 2016
LATE AUGUST , MOUNT ALLISON 1978
...it is not the flying into the sun
...that is the tricky part
...it is the jealousy when you come back down that fucks it all up .
...that is the tricky part
...it is the jealousy when you come back down that fucks it all up .
Friday, July 22, 2016
SUMMER 1968 , or so
...it was flying ant day
...the little fuckers were everywhere
...but nobody baked a flying ant cake .
...the little fuckers were everywhere
...but nobody baked a flying ant cake .
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
CAMP MID. AUGUST , 1979
...the man threw his football in the mud
...jesus threw the universe in the mud
...oh , the mystery behind a messiah and his own personal universe .
...jesus threw the universe in the mud
...oh , the mystery behind a messiah and his own personal universe .
Sunday, July 17, 2016
LAMARCHANT ST . 1972 or 1973
...i stole a magazine when i was 10 or so...
...i got caught , but , fortunately , his wheel chair wasn't very fast
...faster , sneakier , trickier...all this and much more bullshit...THE NEW RELIGION .
...i got caught , but , fortunately , his wheel chair wasn't very fast
...faster , sneakier , trickier...all this and much more bullshit...THE NEW RELIGION .
Friday, July 15, 2016
CAMP KIDSTON...1979...it was a different world back then
...we stood around the table to say grace...
...the christian education director decided to pull my pants down...
...no , i was not wearing underwear...unless your dick is considered underwear .
...the christian education director decided to pull my pants down...
...no , i was not wearing underwear...unless your dick is considered underwear .
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
CAPE BRETON 1974
-i found a frog by the pond
-he was a hopping frog
-i could tell he new about the time i got drunk with grand pa .
-he was a hopping frog
-i could tell he new about the time i got drunk with grand pa .
Tuesday, July 5, 2016
me in the bayres road shopping centre , sept . 1979
-they told me scotty r . was dying of leukaemia ...
-they told me a lot of things over the years
...as life simply devolves into another episode of SWAP SHOP .
-they told me a lot of things over the years
...as life simply devolves into another episode of SWAP SHOP .
Friday, July 1, 2016
my brother's death 1986 , september 1
-about a week or two after my brother drowned
-i went swimming in a lake
-...and i could feel his corpse , banging on his bass guitar .
-i went swimming in a lake
-...and i could feel his corpse , banging on his bass guitar .
Monday, June 27, 2016
SUMMER TRAINING 1979 / LABRADOR TEA
...she bent like an erotic pickle and picked it up...she let me rub it on my nipples
...i made it into tea and i stirred it with a buffalo erection
...the hummingbird was upside down...or was it the rest of us ???
...i made it into tea and i stirred it with a buffalo erection
...the hummingbird was upside down...or was it the rest of us ???
Thursday, June 23, 2016
WE ARE - LESBIANS...JAN . 1988
...nothing turns me on like a lesbian...
...especially one that is rather tall and spells lesbian with a silent '' L '' .
...give me a campfire , a lesbian and a bag of chips .
...especially one that is rather tall and spells lesbian with a silent '' L '' .
...give me a campfire , a lesbian and a bag of chips .
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
POCKET PUSSY JUNE / 2016
-i asked the pocket pussy saleslady
-what she thought of the short blue one
-she just laughed and walked away .
-what she thought of the short blue one
-she just laughed and walked away .
A HAND JOB AT SUMMER CAMP...1987
...i wrote this song...''chucky gets a hand job in the chapel''
...chucky was pissed...shows you what i know
and , by the way...i am sure god has a sense of humour
...chucky was pissed...shows you what i know
and , by the way...i am sure god has a sense of humour
Saturday, June 18, 2016
...on the way to squirrel lake...june 30 1979
in the middle of the river , i found a golden knife
the water reflected like jesus's smile
it told me i had three wishes , but non of them counted .
the water reflected like jesus's smile
it told me i had three wishes , but non of them counted .
Thursday, June 16, 2016
50 miles north east of the drewling dragon
- i was lost in turnip lake
- everything lost will bee recovered
- but there doesn't seem to be a coast line , nor a masturbatorium .
- everything lost will bee recovered
- but there doesn't seem to be a coast line , nor a masturbatorium .
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
JULY 1979...MY SINGING DEBUT
...if you have ever heard the sound of a fox eating a rabbit...you have heard me sing
...the sound echoed like the shaking of a can of eternity
...as it falls to the bottom of the lake , being chewed by giant eels .
...the sound echoed like the shaking of a can of eternity
...as it falls to the bottom of the lake , being chewed by giant eels .
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
POPE TOURS NOVA SCOTIA...1984
...my girlfriend opened for the pope...( juggled rabbits or something )
...eddy van halen was there...he broke a string and shat his pants
...i think all three of them were high...but i wasn't invited...they said my dick wasn't long enough .
...eddy van halen was there...he broke a string and shat his pants
...i think all three of them were high...but i wasn't invited...they said my dick wasn't long enough .
Sunday, June 12, 2016
babe...1996
-we rented BABE...the definitive pig movie
-he was one smart fucking pig , i will tell you
-but it was all bullshit...in real life...they would have killed him if he had fucked up .
-he was one smart fucking pig , i will tell you
-but it was all bullshit...in real life...they would have killed him if he had fucked up .
Saturday, June 11, 2016
august 1980
-there be tits flying across the late summer sky
-as we sit on the beach and hold each other like blueberries
.a shooting star is not an ejaculation...but it will do .
-as we sit on the beach and hold each other like blueberries
.a shooting star is not an ejaculation...but it will do .
Friday, June 10, 2016
SNOW STORM... WINTER 1982
- snow is best when falling at night
- people when they are looking across the harbour
-listening to dan fogelburg as the seals fuck out a new universe that hangs like sagging tits as god pulls his plough across the sky .
-everything...it is all greek to me , baby !!!
- people when they are looking across the harbour
-listening to dan fogelburg as the seals fuck out a new universe that hangs like sagging tits as god pulls his plough across the sky .
-everything...it is all greek to me , baby !!!
Thursday, June 9, 2016
NEW YEARS EVE...1978 - 1980
-the chinese would listen to my jesus story every new years
-then , when everyone was in tears
-i would beat the fuck out of them in ping - pong...crush their nuts like a rotten banana .
-then , when everyone was in tears
-i would beat the fuck out of them in ping - pong...crush their nuts like a rotten banana .
Monday, June 6, 2016
SWEATING IN THE HOT DOGS...JAN . 1988
i was working in a hot dog stand in townseville , australia ...
100 or so australians lined up , cursing at me , calling me names...
WHY ??? good question...because i was sweating in their fucking hot dogs , that's fucking why !!! better than spitting...but not much !!!
100 or so australians lined up , cursing at me , calling me names...
WHY ??? good question...because i was sweating in their fucking hot dogs , that's fucking why !!! better than spitting...but not much !!!
Sunday, June 5, 2016
the tennis competition...july 1980
...i won the competition
...but my girl , she had gone
...i pissed on the audience just to show them i was still in control .
...but my girl , she had gone
...i pissed on the audience just to show them i was still in control .
Saturday, June 4, 2016
THE LOON...1978 AND THEN SOME
i wake up in the morning and swallow the crack to the shy ...
there are a few clouds that look like stoned poodles...
then there is the loon...just fucking around...as the sun hangs like a yellow glowing testicle dancing on the horizon .
there are a few clouds that look like stoned poodles...
then there is the loon...just fucking around...as the sun hangs like a yellow glowing testicle dancing on the horizon .
Friday, June 3, 2016
destiny...january 1974
the three parts of the individual...1 )...the person they are...2)...the road they take...3)...the state of the spirit and soul along the journey .
...this will determine your destination .
...this will determine your destination .
Thursday, June 2, 2016
WHAT IS FLARMOLOGY ??? DEC , 24 1989
what is flarmology ??? it is sex , spirit and mind and soul...
after the bullshit is flushed like a dead rodent...
the best bit ??? watching people crap themselves when they read it and realize that the world wasn't quite as round as they had figured .
after the bullshit is flushed like a dead rodent...
the best bit ??? watching people crap themselves when they read it and realize that the world wasn't quite as round as they had figured .
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
ROADS...by vaughn shepherd and stu strang...1979
i took my aunt flourie to the
45 minute gospel hour
this courageous black man sand a song entitled ROADS
( and that is exactly what i did )
45 minute gospel hour
this courageous black man sand a song entitled ROADS
( and that is exactly what i did )
Sunday, May 29, 2016
AUNT FLOURIE , 1979
...i played CHRIS de BURGH for my old baptist aunt FLOURIE
...she began to bind the devil and all his powers
...then she shook her head...grabbed a pork chop...and hit me right in the face as i was changing the record...
...(well...not quite) .
...she began to bind the devil and all his powers
...then she shook her head...grabbed a pork chop...and hit me right in the face as i was changing the record...
...(well...not quite) .
Saturday, May 28, 2016
summer 1967... or so...
grandma placed a DICK TRACY game...
on top of my and my brother's pillow...
she loved my brother...which made her an honest to god saint .
on top of my and my brother's pillow...
she loved my brother...which made her an honest to god saint .
Thursday, May 26, 2016
summer 1972...or 1973
i scratched my name in the sand...
and it somehow appeared on my testicles...
we went to see godzilla on hot hot summer night .
and it somehow appeared on my testicles...
we went to see godzilla on hot hot summer night .
THE CAT THIEF...1974 - 1976
...my brother used to shoot cats...( he was a man of questionable values )...
my 80 year old aunt would kidnap them...and he , unknowing to her , would knock them off ...
quite the pair , actually .
my 80 year old aunt would kidnap them...and he , unknowing to her , would knock them off ...
quite the pair , actually .
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
GIRLFRIEND...APRIL 1978
my first girlfriend referred to me as a HUNGRY DEVIL...thing is...
if i was hungry...i was too preoccupied to notice...and , as for the devil thing...
i still figure that that was a lucky guess .
if i was hungry...i was too preoccupied to notice...and , as for the devil thing...
i still figure that that was a lucky guess .
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
JUNE 1974...Le MARCHANT SCHOOL
when i graduated from grade six...
i was sick and the universe was full of seagulls
crazy eyes, are seagull eyes , and i hid under the covers
i was sick and the universe was full of seagulls
crazy eyes, are seagull eyes , and i hid under the covers
Monday, May 23, 2016
BIBLE SCHOOL KITTY
...i sat behind her in bible school...she wore this coconut perfume
...that made me harder than the 10 commandments
...i bought my girlfriend some for a present...nothing tastes better than coconut pie !!!
...that made me harder than the 10 commandments
...i bought my girlfriend some for a present...nothing tastes better than coconut pie !!!
MY DOG , CANDY
in her latter years , candy would growl when i took her to the park late at night...
but then she would hop off the bed , light up a smoke , polish off a ''40 ouncer''...
stagger to her leash...fall down the steps...and off we would go to point pleasant park .
but then she would hop off the bed , light up a smoke , polish off a ''40 ouncer''...
stagger to her leash...fall down the steps...and off we would go to point pleasant park .
Sunday, May 22, 2016
DAWN WAS BLONDE
dawn was blonde...
she played the classical guitar...
when we went swimming she left it back on shore with the jellyfish and sea shells .
she played the classical guitar...
when we went swimming she left it back on shore with the jellyfish and sea shells .
Saturday, May 21, 2016
JUNE , 1978...THE GRADUATION DANCE
...the night of the larry holmes / ken norton fight
...was the graduation of my beloved SWAMP CREATURE
...she wined and abused through the entire 15 rounds that i missed .
...was the graduation of my beloved SWAMP CREATURE
...she wined and abused through the entire 15 rounds that i missed .
Friday, May 20, 2016
TRUE LOVE...APRIL 1978
there was true love...
but the elves murdered the ferries...
and shit-eater indulged in the sin of gluttony and pancake throwing .
but the elves murdered the ferries...
and shit-eater indulged in the sin of gluttony and pancake throwing .
CANDY...# 2 VERSION
in her older days , candy would growl when i took her to the park at night
but then she would fall off the bed , light up a cigarette
finish off 40 ounces of rum...and trip all the way down the steps , out the door
but then she would fall off the bed , light up a cigarette
finish off 40 ounces of rum...and trip all the way down the steps , out the door
Wednesday, May 18, 2016
THE LADY...
...this lady wanted to seduce me in the wash room
...i told her to go home and ask her husband
...that if it were all right with him it was all right with me .
...i told her to go home and ask her husband
...that if it were all right with him it was all right with me .
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
SUMMER 1993...WILDLIFE PARK
...i went to the park with my friend
...i cannot remember the animals
...or the model of alien space craft that hovered above us with glowing lights .
...i cannot remember the animals
...or the model of alien space craft that hovered above us with glowing lights .
Monday, May 16, 2016
THE CAT...2012 ???
...a friend's cat threatened to murder her kids
...i put the fucking thing in a box
...and dropped it off at the near - by brewery and whore house .
...i put the fucking thing in a box
...and dropped it off at the near - by brewery and whore house .
Sunday, May 15, 2016
debbie and i in p .p. .p...march , 1980
...debby made sandwiches
...i forget the kind of bread she used
...we lost touch like our fingers fell to the ground like pineapples .
...i forget the kind of bread she used
...we lost touch like our fingers fell to the ground like pineapples .
Saturday, May 14, 2016
darryl...dec . 1979 p.p.p.
...darryl fell into the water
...years later , he fell into a daughter
...both soft and moist and would easily bend...but only one he could impregnate .
...years later , he fell into a daughter
...both soft and moist and would easily bend...but only one he could impregnate .
Friday, May 13, 2016
THE GATHERING...JULY 1979
the park was reserved for my favourite people...
they threw balls at prancing squirrels...
i threw up outside the shit house as angels looked for an air conditioner .
they threw balls at prancing squirrels...
i threw up outside the shit house as angels looked for an air conditioner .
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
POCKET PUSSY...JAN . 12 , 2015
i am an ordained minister and members of my congregation bought me...
a super -dooper wack 'em sack ' em pocket pussy for my birthday...
now , before you judge me...you should know that it didn't need any batteries .
GRADUATION DAY...1989 , DECEMBER
it was BIBLE COLLEGE graduation day in australia...
i grabbed a bottle of wine , took off my clothes and went skinny dipping...
two hours later...i noticed that i was the only one naked , including the faculty .
i grabbed a bottle of wine , took off my clothes and went skinny dipping...
two hours later...i noticed that i was the only one naked , including the faculty .
Tuesday, May 10, 2016
OZZY OZBORNE...MAY , 2016
i bought an ozzy osborne eight c.d. set...
the price...get this... 666...( the number of the beast , for you non-biblical people )...
anyway , i played it backwards and it told me to eat my vegetables and drink lots of milk...
the price...get this... 666...( the number of the beast , for you non-biblical people )...
anyway , i played it backwards and it told me to eat my vegetables and drink lots of milk...
THE RAIN FOREST...AUSTRALIA , 1989
mitch and i would take turns hanging on the roof rack...
we would speed through the tropical rain forest...
we would pass chubracobras like they were fidgeting with their balls .
we would speed through the tropical rain forest...
we would pass chubracobras like they were fidgeting with their balls .
Monday, May 9, 2016
CHURCH AND CHURCH ACTIVITIES...1982
i took this PASSIONATE LOVER OF CATS out for an ice cream after ''church''...
i was later...much later...to discover out that my brother shot his cat right between the eyes...
through this we learned two things : one...my brother was a ''dick''...two...my brother was a good shot...half full...half empty .
i was later...much later...to discover out that my brother shot his cat right between the eyes...
through this we learned two things : one...my brother was a ''dick''...two...my brother was a good shot...half full...half empty .
Sunday, May 8, 2016
THE CONDOM MYSTERY ...1994
this old dingbat...( i am being nice )...entered the church and found a used condom in the centre isle...
she screamed...her underwear turned yellow...her magic tits fell to the ground like junked - up aliens from the planet WEIRD-O...
i got blamed for it...like the time i got blamed for the german shepherd...throwing up half way down the block on the holiday of FESTIVES... ( that was one hell of a FESTIVES , regardless ) .
she screamed...her underwear turned yellow...her magic tits fell to the ground like junked - up aliens from the planet WEIRD-O...
i got blamed for it...like the time i got blamed for the german shepherd...throwing up half way down the block on the holiday of FESTIVES... ( that was one hell of a FESTIVES , regardless ) .
AN OLD FRIEND...MARCH 2016
this fellow walked up to me and asked me if i were stu strang...
i nodded my head and he thanked me for saving his hide from...whoever...back in the early 80's .
i asked him if i could have a chocolate bar and a bag of chips .
i nodded my head and he thanked me for saving his hide from...whoever...back in the early 80's .
i asked him if i could have a chocolate bar and a bag of chips .
Saturday, May 7, 2016
SAYING GOOD-BY TO KARON ...DECEMBER 1989
i never knew love was a fleeting thing...
i thought fleets of ships were fleeting things...
we sat on the curb...got drunk and smoked a hole in the universe...sorta .
i thought fleets of ships were fleeting things...
we sat on the curb...got drunk and smoked a hole in the universe...sorta .
Friday, May 6, 2016
TROUT FISHING...1974
...in grade six i went trout fishing...for trout... in a lake
...i used my book of trout spells and trout mating calls on the little fuckers
...i left with the flue , a soar left nut...and slightly less fishing equipment in my tackle box .
...i used my book of trout spells and trout mating calls on the little fuckers
...i left with the flue , a soar left nut...and slightly less fishing equipment in my tackle box .
MY UNIVERSITY LIFE...1980 - 1984
i didn't find university parties very exciting...
i figured i would be better off if i bought my own private monkey...
and played with it in the corner of the milky way...or something...
i figured i would be better off if i bought my own private monkey...
and played with it in the corner of the milky way...or something...
Thursday, May 5, 2016
ME , A GRASSHOPPER...AND THE LATE 60'S...
when i was a boy i played with grasshoppers...
when i was 16 i played with tits...
in the final analysis...there wasn't a whole lot of difference .
when i was 16 i played with tits...
in the final analysis...there wasn't a whole lot of difference .
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
THE NUDE PICTURES...PART 2
...about 20 years after having my pictures confiscated by the minister's daughter...i am in art school , and guess who is drawing me naked ???
...yup , the religious titan who crusades for jeans and wool and a better way of life
...she asks me if she should tell her father , the monk...i just shrug my shoulders...my ass hole smiles like a newly born solar system .
...yup , the religious titan who crusades for jeans and wool and a better way of life
...she asks me if she should tell her father , the monk...i just shrug my shoulders...my ass hole smiles like a newly born solar system .
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
ORDINATION CELEBRATION 1997
it was my ordination , celebration , consummation , proclamation...
i pulled my pants down and i wiggled my bum upon the pound cake...
then i took a piece and threw it at a boy , sitting on the steps...just to try out my magic powers...( got him in the head ) .
i pulled my pants down and i wiggled my bum upon the pound cake...
then i took a piece and threw it at a boy , sitting on the steps...just to try out my magic powers...( got him in the head ) .
THE NUDE PICTURES...PART ONE...1984
when i went to have a pee , the minister's daughter looked inside my shopping bag...
there she found nude pictures...the kind with no clothes on...
point...these dumb shits...THE CHURCH-A-HOLICS...deemed the naked body sinful...and looking through people's shit...a reasonable pass time .
there she found nude pictures...the kind with no clothes on...
point...these dumb shits...THE CHURCH-A-HOLICS...deemed the naked body sinful...and looking through people's shit...a reasonable pass time .
Monday, May 2, 2016
BAT STEW ...1974
i walked out of class...and there behind a bush were 30 or so kids...
waiting to beat the fuck out of me...
so i did what BATMAN would do...pulled out my penis...and pissed all over them .
waiting to beat the fuck out of me...
so i did what BATMAN would do...pulled out my penis...and pissed all over them .
CONFESSION...JULY 1979
...in the final analysis , you will realize
...people's spirituality is about as deep as the distance between their hand and their penis
...make your confessions under water in the lake...where nobody can hear you peel yourself away .
...people's spirituality is about as deep as the distance between their hand and their penis
...make your confessions under water in the lake...where nobody can hear you peel yourself away .
Sunday, May 1, 2016
CANDY , MY AMERICAN FRIEND...
i would walk candy to the park every night...
or sometimes to the elementary school where i would read the bible and drink chocolate milk...
candy was a spaniel that smoked hash...but she liked people even more .
or sometimes to the elementary school where i would read the bible and drink chocolate milk...
candy was a spaniel that smoked hash...but she liked people even more .
Saturday, April 30, 2016
MELLOW LOONS...
...we piled into the white , decomposing , eight seat van
...there were no seatbelts so we used chewed up tires found on a planet made of rubber
...the sound of flying rocks is a close second to that of mellow loons , frigging around the lake .
...there were no seatbelts so we used chewed up tires found on a planet made of rubber
...the sound of flying rocks is a close second to that of mellow loons , frigging around the lake .
CENTIPEDE...NOVEMBER 1982
i played centipede in the shopping mall with you , my friend .
winning in centipede is knowing that you couldn't do any better .
winning is having the game somehow erupt into truth and intimacy and hope for real love in a bumfucked civilization .
winning in centipede is knowing that you couldn't do any better .
winning is having the game somehow erupt into truth and intimacy and hope for real love in a bumfucked civilization .
Friday, April 29, 2016
BACK AT THE RANCH...
...the golden wheat field spread like a radioactive , well used vagina
...the straw curved like a pervert's unchained mind
...meanwhile...back at the ranch...CHUCKIE GOT A HAND JOB IN THE CHAPEL...go , chuckie , go !!!
...the straw curved like a pervert's unchained mind
...meanwhile...back at the ranch...CHUCKIE GOT A HAND JOB IN THE CHAPEL...go , chuckie , go !!!
POCKET PUSSY...APRIL 2016
there is a pocket pussy shaped like a flash light...
we have that pocket pussy deep within us...
that is...we want to hide ourselves from the universe and pretend we are a pussy .
we have that pocket pussy deep within us...
that is...we want to hide ourselves from the universe and pretend we are a pussy .
THE WORKING GIRL...2010
...she told me all about her boyfriend
...i replied..."besides the nice teeth and whale skin boots...he sounds like a homicidal maniac"
...a few weeks later...she was dead and he was imprisoned
...i replied..."besides the nice teeth and whale skin boots...he sounds like a homicidal maniac"
...a few weeks later...she was dead and he was imprisoned
Thursday, April 28, 2016
DECEMBER 1987...GOOD - BY
...so we ate cheese cake and drank BECKS IMPORTED , fucking delicious ''wind of change'' brew , in some place called LE CAVE .
...the thing about doing everything perfect is you have no other place to go.
...we all look for grasshoppers in the snow...not so we can bite their heads off...( although there is a place for that )... but so they can give us a something to follow .
...the thing about doing everything perfect is you have no other place to go.
...we all look for grasshoppers in the snow...not so we can bite their heads off...( although there is a place for that )... but so they can give us a something to follow .
SIR ELTON JOHN...SUMMER 2000
i was talking to this record store clerk about the time that i thought i saw ELTON JOHN on a nude beach on the french riviera...( cap di , to be specific )...
suddenly...in walked this dude who looked exactly like Mr . John...
we chatted...got him to sing BENNY AND THE JETS...he did a short GREATEST HITS MELODY...then he buggered off .
suddenly...in walked this dude who looked exactly like Mr . John...
we chatted...got him to sing BENNY AND THE JETS...he did a short GREATEST HITS MELODY...then he buggered off .
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
BASEBALL TENNIS...SUMMER 1985
i played tennis against this fellow from a fogged in island off of the south tip of new scotland...
he dressed like a CHICAGO WHITE SOX second base dill-do salesman...
he went cod fishing in between games...and had his pecker chewed off by a school of herring .
he dressed like a CHICAGO WHITE SOX second base dill-do salesman...
he went cod fishing in between games...and had his pecker chewed off by a school of herring .
BULLY AT AGE 10
...there was this bully in grade 5...
...we called him sir...
...but after i fucked him up...we collectively referred to him as GOLF BALL HEAD .
...we called him sir...
...but after i fucked him up...we collectively referred to him as GOLF BALL HEAD .
I . C . Y . C ...JULY 1992
i told this boy's father that his kid was violent...
he threatened to kill me...
and i don't think he understood the irony of the situation .
he threatened to kill me...
and i don't think he understood the irony of the situation .
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
THE DEVIL...1988
...i saw the devil outside the tennis count
...he was skinnier than a maple tree
...he reminded me of this bully in grade five...but with no cock
...he was skinnier than a maple tree
...he reminded me of this bully in grade five...but with no cock
Monday, April 25, 2016
AUSTRALIA...1988...TOWNSVILLE , BULLETIN
my friend climbed up the coconut tree as i sat in the car and chewed gum...
he claimed to do it with the power of jesus...
then he tripped over one of the coconuts and bruised the universe within his soul and testicles .
he claimed to do it with the power of jesus...
then he tripped over one of the coconuts and bruised the universe within his soul and testicles .
SOMETIME IN 1992
...the man butchered the boy into little pieces
...as his wife watched and ate a submarine sandwich with extra cheese and olives
...it was a sunny day
...as his wife watched and ate a submarine sandwich with extra cheese and olives
...it was a sunny day
BIRTHDAY PRESENT / 1982
i bought my girlfriend a vibrator for her birthday...
thing is...it occurred to me pretty fucking quickly...
that i was creating competition for myself and her finger...( which one....i forget ) .
thing is...it occurred to me pretty fucking quickly...
that i was creating competition for myself and her finger...( which one....i forget ) .
Sunday, April 24, 2016
JULY 1976...IT WAS A SUNNY DAY
i had just come home from an atlantic canadian tennis tour...
my mates were smoking pot down on the rail road tracks , blowing smoke at the conductor like sperm on a cream pie...
maybe exactly like that...i was too stoned to tell...and why was a fucking marshmallow man driving that fucking train , anyway ???
Saturday, April 23, 2016
BAY SIDE 1992
the steel canoe hit the side of the wharf , compliments of the ocean and the wind...
the sound was one of nature's finer , she worked fucking hard , indeed...
besides that and the loons...nothing else was natural is the christian summer camp .
the sound was one of nature's finer , she worked fucking hard , indeed...
besides that and the loons...nothing else was natural is the christian summer camp .
BAMBI...1966 / 1968
when i was five or six...my mother took me to see BAMBI...
BAMBI got a raw deal...just like in that movie...
you know...RAW DEAL...with THE TERMINATOR...reindeer are so unpredictable...and bambi's mother was too fucking slow .
BAMBI got a raw deal...just like in that movie...
you know...RAW DEAL...with THE TERMINATOR...reindeer are so unpredictable...and bambi's mother was too fucking slow .
Friday, April 22, 2016
NOODLES...1983 - 1985
...at age 21 or so...i discovered NOODLES IN A CUP...what a fucking trip
...i got just about everyone in the store to buy some
...warning...NOODLES IN A CUP does not make your cock hard...but they sure save you a pretty penny .
...i got just about everyone in the store to buy some
...warning...NOODLES IN A CUP does not make your cock hard...but they sure save you a pretty penny .
GIRLFRIEND...1995
...my girlfriend went SKINNY DIPPING with a client with no clothes on
...she is a prostitute...a real back-seat driver
...and , boy...did i feel jealous
...she is a prostitute...a real back-seat driver
...and , boy...did i feel jealous
JAN . 1988 / DEC . 1989
...in the HALIFAX airport...i cried and cried...and they allowed me three extra bags of luggage for free
...same thing in TOWNSVILLE , AUSTRALIA...exactly
...and the message : be a big baby...but do up your pants and don't mention politics .
...same thing in TOWNSVILLE , AUSTRALIA...exactly
...and the message : be a big baby...but do up your pants and don't mention politics .
Thursday, April 21, 2016
THE DOG AND THE CHOCOLATE BAR
i am presently in the bath tub , looking at the back of my sneaker...
it looks half like a yorkshire terrier and half like...well...something else...
my parents used to have a yorkie...it flew around the living room looking for kit -kats , suspended up there like reality .
it looks half like a yorkshire terrier and half like...well...something else...
my parents used to have a yorkie...it flew around the living room looking for kit -kats , suspended up there like reality .
EASTER 1967 - 1969
...it was easter time in west green harbour
...the bunny put wood in the fire place and father drank his scotch and whisky
...mom sat in the rocking chair...having visions of getting the fuck out of this place .
...the bunny put wood in the fire place and father drank his scotch and whisky
...mom sat in the rocking chair...having visions of getting the fuck out of this place .
WALKING BY YOUR PLACE...1981 / 1983
everyday i walked by your house...you served me milk and chocolate chip cookies...
i would lick the chocolate chips and go cross-eyed...
then we would talk about wierdo's...and their place in the universe...how many wierdo's to spoil a banana cream pie .
i would lick the chocolate chips and go cross-eyed...
then we would talk about wierdo's...and their place in the universe...how many wierdo's to spoil a banana cream pie .
Wednesday, April 20, 2016
LATE JUNE 1978
i sat on the teeter totter...and went up and down...
i sat on you...and did the same...
in the long run...the teeter totter...was far less problematic...
i sat on you...and did the same...
in the long run...the teeter totter...was far less problematic...
EVERYTHING MEANS SOMETHING...2000...or there abouts
i flipped this coin...and it landed on its side....the odds of this ???
fucking close to one in infinity...give or take three or four...
...everything in life means something...question is...what ???
fucking close to one in infinity...give or take three or four...
...everything in life means something...question is...what ???
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
THE SUMMER OF 1981
just down the street , turn right...there was this sandwich shop that served...sandwiches...
the cook would pour the meat over a fully , bathed in sweat , naked body and squeeze it and lick it and cast spells upon it...
i liked mine with extra cheese and olives .
the cook would pour the meat over a fully , bathed in sweat , naked body and squeeze it and lick it and cast spells upon it...
i liked mine with extra cheese and olives .
JESUS THE ROCK , 1979
...we swam to the rock...and dedicated it to JESUS
...the mermaids were naked , stroking themselves like baboons on a reality show
...as the sun licked the vagina of the melancholy blue sky , blinking in rhythm with space and time .
...the mermaids were naked , stroking themselves like baboons on a reality show
...as the sun licked the vagina of the melancholy blue sky , blinking in rhythm with space and time .
EEL FISHING...1972
we would tie this hook to a thick piece of twine...throw it off the wharf...
eels would pull like a tractor...practically ripping the rope from our hands...
and you wonder why i never put my penis in there .
eels would pull like a tractor...practically ripping the rope from our hands...
and you wonder why i never put my penis in there .
Monday, April 18, 2016
BERMUDA...1972 and 1973
when i was 10 i went to bermuda and had some chicken...
of course , that is not all we did
we watched people take off their clothes in the changing room as well .
of course , that is not all we did
we watched people take off their clothes in the changing room as well .
OZZY LADY...2002 or so
...i walk into a card and photo shop...and what do i see in front of me...a picture of my girlfriend and her x - husband...
...and to make it even weirder...she is from and lives in AUSTRALIA...
...a sign from GOD...indeed...a sign that i am a fucking idiot who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground .
...and to make it even weirder...she is from and lives in AUSTRALIA...
...a sign from GOD...indeed...a sign that i am a fucking idiot who doesn't know his ass from a hole in the ground .
Saturday, April 16, 2016
THOU SHALL NOT MASTUEBATE
when i was 14 years old , the jehova whitnesses gave me a book partially on how not to masturbate...
i read it...and it made me whornie as shit...
so much for their weird little theological gum ball machine .
i read it...and it made me whornie as shit...
so much for their weird little theological gum ball machine .
HERBY THE DOPE PLANT
my brother named his dope plant , HERBY...
HERBY died at a very young age...
HERBY was cremated and forgotten like the morning fog .
HERBY died at a very young age...
HERBY was cremated and forgotten like the morning fog .
GOD ??? YES !!!
my brother played ice hockey in the midget league...then there was that fatal day...
he forgot to take off his skate blades...and went flying all over the fucking place...
IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT THAT I BEGAN TO BELIEVE IN GOD .
he forgot to take off his skate blades...and went flying all over the fucking place...
IT WAS AT THAT MOMENT THAT I BEGAN TO BELIEVE IN GOD .
WINTER RETREAT 1998 - 2012...or there abouts
...every winter retreat , i would buy some music in bridgewater... ( a small town on the way )...
...new , fresh music never heard before or , possibly...abandoned from my heart and soul through time and broken screen doors...
...it was my surgery...and i was attempting to implant memories...to give myself something to hold onto...like a stoned monkey a batch of bananas .
BANANA , BANANA...MY WORLD FOR A BANANA .
...new , fresh music never heard before or , possibly...abandoned from my heart and soul through time and broken screen doors...
...it was my surgery...and i was attempting to implant memories...to give myself something to hold onto...like a stoned monkey a batch of bananas .
BANANA , BANANA...MY WORLD FOR A BANANA .
Friday, April 15, 2016
GAVIN AND MYSELF...1990
i was having lady problems...you know...with ladies...
so me and my young adolescent friend...picked up a couple of prostitutes...
and offered them a free ride home...if they could just answer...SOME FUCKING QUESTIONS... you know...us juvenile prostitutes at the feet of a queen mother prostitute .
so me and my young adolescent friend...picked up a couple of prostitutes...
and offered them a free ride home...if they could just answer...SOME FUCKING QUESTIONS... you know...us juvenile prostitutes at the feet of a queen mother prostitute .
SELAH ERA...1995 - 2000
the best parties were the ones where i didn't know a fucking soul...
we just somehow got to these things...not sure how , sometimes
we played troll games...and didn't the kids love them...just fucking around in the troll universe .
we just somehow got to these things...not sure how , sometimes
we played troll games...and didn't the kids love them...just fucking around in the troll universe .
Thursday, April 14, 2016
STU AND SCOTT 2000 and...something
scottie and i were walking home...and there they were...this 300 pound guy and his hulk hogan buddy...
i just had to arm wrestle these monsters...and i did...and i won...barely...
first prize...front row pay per view wrestling complete with beer and pizza the next week...and new friends , as well .
i just had to arm wrestle these monsters...and i did...and i won...barely...
first prize...front row pay per view wrestling complete with beer and pizza the next week...and new friends , as well .
SOME STOLEN THINGS YOU DON'T WANT BACK
kevin stole my dinosaur collection...
i found it under his bead while playing hide and seek...
thing is...45 years later...i still can't figure out how he did it...must have stuck them up his ass or something .
i found it under his bead while playing hide and seek...
thing is...45 years later...i still can't figure out how he did it...must have stuck them up his ass or something .
MY FATHERS WHISKY...1966 - 1970
my father drove the car...i sat beside him...
" pour my fucking whisky "...the words dribbled out of his mouth like pulverized sausages from bigfoot's ass...
" never drink and drive , son...you may hit a bump and spill some ''...was his next sentence...at which point...i was thoroughly confused .
" pour my fucking whisky "...the words dribbled out of his mouth like pulverized sausages from bigfoot's ass...
" never drink and drive , son...you may hit a bump and spill some ''...was his next sentence...at which point...i was thoroughly confused .
SELAH 1995 - 1999 ERA
in university , i attended ,maybe...two or three "frat " parties...
as an ordained minister...i indulged like a monkey...
i even bought my own monkey costume and brief case full of bananas just so i wouldn't look conspicuous
.
Wednesday, April 13, 2016
SELAH 1995 - 1999 ERA
it was a summer party , complete with singing birds and stuffed elephants and kids rolling joints...
KIDS ROLLING JOINTS ??? HOLY SHIT !!! i took a hot dog and squeezed it in my hand
until hot dog guts oozed its way down the bun and onto the city street...like a demented polar bear ejaculation .
KIDS ROLLING JOINTS ??? HOLY SHIT !!! i took a hot dog and squeezed it in my hand
until hot dog guts oozed its way down the bun and onto the city street...like a demented polar bear ejaculation .
SELAH...1995 - 1999 ERA
we had a party on top of the roof...( like the james taylor song but different ) ...
across the driveway...we could look in the window and see this little fruit cake molesting his gun...sucking it with his mouth...
i wonder what would have happened if i had thrown a rock through the glass and conked him on his skinny little head ???
across the driveway...we could look in the window and see this little fruit cake molesting his gun...sucking it with his mouth...
i wonder what would have happened if i had thrown a rock through the glass and conked him on his skinny little head ???
Tuesday, April 12, 2016
BOWLING 1968...A MASTER IN TRAINING
i went bowling by myself when i was six years old...
i put out my WHITE OWL CIGAR...and picked up a very round ball...
then i threw the the little fucker right into the lane right next to mine...i knocked over four of some guys pins...fuck , was he pissed off .
i put out my WHITE OWL CIGAR...and picked up a very round ball...
then i threw the the little fucker right into the lane right next to mine...i knocked over four of some guys pins...fuck , was he pissed off .
TRIXIE...1971 - 1973
trixie was my non - spaniel , non - college educated early 70's part terrier dog...
trixi did not know how to bark , nor sky dive into a better tomorrow...
so when she got trapped inside a time warp and got transported across the universe and back...she didn't say a fucking thing .
trixi did not know how to bark , nor sky dive into a better tomorrow...
so when she got trapped inside a time warp and got transported across the universe and back...she didn't say a fucking thing .
JOHN BELUSHI DIES...FEB . 1982
i was in edmonton , alberta...a chanook licked the landscape like a dog his testicles. (left one first)...
i had just bought VAN MORRISON...BEAUTIFUL VISION...two years before...INTO THE MUSIC had changed my definition of what it was like to be half electric coyote / half slug ...
later on , in the ASSHOLE STORAGE HOTEL...i heard the news...john belushi had died...not enough drugs , apparently...and they were saying it was fatal .
i had just bought VAN MORRISON...BEAUTIFUL VISION...two years before...INTO THE MUSIC had changed my definition of what it was like to be half electric coyote / half slug ...
later on , in the ASSHOLE STORAGE HOTEL...i heard the news...john belushi had died...not enough drugs , apparently...and they were saying it was fatal .
Monday, April 11, 2016
THE 1994 - 1997 SELAH ERA...THE PARTY
i can't remember where i was or any of that shit and crackers...
all i know is i went through the wrong door and spent the rest of the night with this intergalactic space monkey...
we talked about the old days...throwing pies at dinosaurs and bending water like noodles...her tits covered the captain crunch with crunch berry map of the universe...
all i know is i went through the wrong door and spent the rest of the night with this intergalactic space monkey...
we talked about the old days...throwing pies at dinosaurs and bending water like noodles...her tits covered the captain crunch with crunch berry map of the universe...
A KANGAROO STORY...AUSTRALIA JAN . 1988
there i was in the middle of the rain forest...having a piss...
SUDDENLY...kangaroos to the left...kangaroos to the right...
i began to think of the kangaroo within my soul ...what was his favourite movie ??? STAR TREK 4 ???
SUDDENLY...kangaroos to the left...kangaroos to the right...
i began to think of the kangaroo within my soul ...what was his favourite movie ??? STAR TREK 4 ???
Sunday, April 10, 2016
THE RADIO ANTENNA...1972 - 1975
...i hooked up a radio antenna to the top of the roof...
...just to hear one particular song...YOU LOOK GOOD IN DENIM , by james leroy
...and all the stupid monkeys in the trees , especially the ones with half eaten brains... thought it was a great idea .
...just to hear one particular song...YOU LOOK GOOD IN DENIM , by james leroy
...and all the stupid monkeys in the trees , especially the ones with half eaten brains... thought it was a great idea .
religion...1978 - 1999
what i learned in church is...if you have power....
you can use someone's nose to wipe your ass with...brag about it...
and still be the guest of honour...even if your dick is hanging out of your pants .
you can use someone's nose to wipe your ass with...brag about it...
and still be the guest of honour...even if your dick is hanging out of your pants .
DEMON OUTSIDE THE TENNIS COURT...1988 , AUSTRALIA
hey , momma...there is a demon outside the tennis court...and he ain't fetching the balls...
i wonder if he is any good ??? does he cheat ??? is he looking for satan's approval ???
we all struggle to find out what is real and what is illusion...is the universe just a giant nut sack ???
i wonder if he is any good ??? does he cheat ??? is he looking for satan's approval ???
we all struggle to find out what is real and what is illusion...is the universe just a giant nut sack ???
Saturday, April 9, 2016
CHRISTMAS AT THE LIBRARY...DEC . 1974
i was 12 years old...i sat in the library looking out the breast milk splattered intergalactic window...
people walking their dogs with little red coats with BATMAN smoking a freshly rolled joint...
do you know why people love BATMAN ??? because he is fucking nuts , that's why !!! and , yea , he hides his sexuality...people like that , too .
people walking their dogs with little red coats with BATMAN smoking a freshly rolled joint...
do you know why people love BATMAN ??? because he is fucking nuts , that's why !!! and , yea , he hides his sexuality...people like that , too .
ONE OF MY MORE INTERESTING ADVERTISERS...2008
...this chinese , born again christian fellow advertised with my publication for fucking years
...for the life of me...i couldn't understand why
...as it turns out...he couldn't read or write english...not a word...he was just hoping what i was saying was not offensive to him
...HE WAS WRONG !!!
...for the life of me...i couldn't understand why
...as it turns out...he couldn't read or write english...not a word...he was just hoping what i was saying was not offensive to him
...HE WAS WRONG !!!
Friday, April 8, 2016
BARRINGTON ST . 1987 ???
it was the night of the day of the dawn of the vampires...in the middle of the afternoon...
there were these punk rock kids...rough and hard...looking to prove einstein and his fucking theory wrong...
5 minutes later...troy...( yes , ''thee'' troy )...and myself...had the little whipper-snappers singing camp songs...
'' BROWN SQUIRREL...BROWN SQUIRREL...SHAKE YOUR BUSHY TAIL'' .
there were these punk rock kids...rough and hard...looking to prove einstein and his fucking theory wrong...
5 minutes later...troy...( yes , ''thee'' troy )...and myself...had the little whipper-snappers singing camp songs...
'' BROWN SQUIRREL...BROWN SQUIRREL...SHAKE YOUR BUSHY TAIL'' .
BOO BEAR...MARCH 2016
i say...HI , BOO BEAR...and guess what ??? both girls were named BOO BEAR
i just pulled BOO BEAR out of my ass...purely intuition...and there they were
next question...WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD YOU NAME SOMEONE BOO BEAR ???
i just pulled BOO BEAR out of my ass...purely intuition...and there they were
next question...WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD YOU NAME SOMEONE BOO BEAR ???
THE TOWNSEVILLE BULLETIN...1989
...my boss takes the resume...then shakes the fellows hand and nods politely
...as the gentleman leaves...my boss pulls down his pants and wipes his ass with it...
he walks over to me and asks me if i want a smoke .
...as the gentleman leaves...my boss pulls down his pants and wipes his ass with it...
he walks over to me and asks me if i want a smoke .
Thursday, April 7, 2016
COMING HOME...DEC . 24 1089
-when i came home from australia , my dog peed herself
-and in that puddle i found an ocean of joy
-where many people would attempt to drown me
-and in that puddle i found an ocean of joy
-where many people would attempt to drown me
MY FAVOURITE 4 MONTHS...SEPT . / DEC . 1987
-i would walk to the shopping mall , i don't know...three miles away or so
-me and my faithful friend , bingo...would hustle the little fuckers at board hockey
-lure them into a false sense of security...then pounce and grab like an excommunicated catholic caveman on two for one day
-i was bubble hockey king shit .
-me and my faithful friend , bingo...would hustle the little fuckers at board hockey
-lure them into a false sense of security...then pounce and grab like an excommunicated catholic caveman on two for one day
-i was bubble hockey king shit .
DECEMBER 1989 , HALIFAX SHOPPING CENTRE
-we will re-set your nuts and get you stoned on shame
-free ice cream cone included if you don't piss in your seat
-ice cream additional cost...unless you can lick it out of your ass while singing hymn 27 from the blue hymn book .
-free ice cream cone included if you don't piss in your seat
-ice cream additional cost...unless you can lick it out of your ass while singing hymn 27 from the blue hymn book .
SHE WAS MY FIRST...APRIL 1978
...and i remember coming home from her apartment , thanking GOD
...and MRS . GOD...just in case .
...and MRS . GOD...just in case .
Wednesday, April 6, 2016
SUMMER 1978...TENNIS
along with 1975...the sunniest summer of my life...and the wins and the hand jobs were in abundance .
warning...you are better off if you don't attempt both at the same time .
warning...you are better off if you don't attempt both at the same time .
WINDSOR CLASS ''A''...1977
every tennis player wants to be a rock and roll star...which , of course , involves...being an idiot when someone lets you camp out in their nice , country clubhouse .
good news...no animals were hurt .
good news...no animals were hurt .
MY BROTHER'S FUNERAL
my brother's funeral was in the middle of the woods...
my drunken father sat beside me in the car screaming at me to go faster...
i said...''father , i can't hit the raccoon...it's in the fucking tree ''...but he would not
take ''no'' for an answer .
my drunken father sat beside me in the car screaming at me to go faster...
i said...''father , i can't hit the raccoon...it's in the fucking tree ''...but he would not
take ''no'' for an answer .
MY BROTHER'S DEATH...SEPT . 1986
-my brother worshipped guns...and what killed him ??? a duck , actually
-but there was a gun involved...
-ducks with guns....mother nature's new twist of the tit .
-but there was a gun involved...
-ducks with guns....mother nature's new twist of the tit .
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
APRIL 5 2016
writing about the song...UP ON A ROOF...get to my coffee house...guess what song they are playing ???coincidence , right , ??? well , sure... except for one thing...it has happened about 1000 times now .
as the universe unfolds...do not forget to bend !!!
as the universe unfolds...do not forget to bend !!!
SELAH...1995 - 1999
after our communication with THE SUPREME BEING...it was beer drinking time...
UP ON A ROOF...
...thing is...the neighbours had guns and looked stupid enough to use them...unprovoked .
UP ON A ROOF...
...thing is...the neighbours had guns and looked stupid enough to use them...unprovoked .
Monday, April 4, 2016
BAYSIDE CAMP... 1992
it was the summer of 1992...i dressed up as bigfoot...and scared the shit out of a bunch of girls...
...it was the first time i felt like a man...
...most of them cried.
...it was the first time i felt like a man...
...most of them cried.
I HAD A GREAT TIME...AUGUST 1980
last week of camp...we write our own job description...
i was exhausted...fucking around and listening to neil young was my AGREED assignment...
so i did...and even the director was fuck up by how fast they turned on me...
wolverines...singing kum-by-ya...and sucking blood like ice cream .
i was exhausted...fucking around and listening to neil young was my AGREED assignment...
so i did...and even the director was fuck up by how fast they turned on me...
wolverines...singing kum-by-ya...and sucking blood like ice cream .
Sunday, April 3, 2016
INNER CITY YOUTH CLUB...1991 - 1992
i rigged a bicycle lottery...why did i do such a thing ??? simple...people who treat me like shit
shouldn't get a bicycle for it .
everyone else...got pet frogs .
shouldn't get a bicycle for it .
everyone else...got pet frogs .
ME AND SUE AND MY MUTT
my schnauzer licked princess diana ...on the cheek .
she should be proud to be singled out by such a noble beast .
she should be proud to be singled out by such a noble beast .
FRIENDS...1974
my mother's best friend took me and her son to cape breton ...we got drunk and ran down the hotel halls in our underwear .
before the journey...she had to rescue me from my father...( i wish i heard that conversation ) .
before the journey...she had to rescue me from my father...( i wish i heard that conversation ) .
JAN . 11 1988...AIRPORT , HALIFAX
...i cried at the airport...they handled my luggage for free .
...plus...she took off her bra...and let me snuggle into her amazing boson .
...now that is what i call an airport .
...plus...she took off her bra...and let me snuggle into her amazing boson .
...now that is what i call an airport .
Saturday, April 2, 2016
MAY 1979 CANDY , MY SPANIEL
...being carried to the vet...she died in my arms...one of god's better ideas...gone...
...oh , spaniel , my spaniel .
...oh , spaniel , my spaniel .
DARRYL...1979
...darryl was a friend...who traded oranges for lemons...
...antarctic lemons...that spoke backwards while being hurdled into the moon .
...antarctic lemons...that spoke backwards while being hurdled into the moon .
Friday, April 1, 2016
200?...WEDDING BY THE TRUCKLOAD
i said the name of JESUS in this wedding prayer...the guy behind the podium fainted dead away...but not before he threw a bucket of piss...or something like that...across the audience .
oh , yes...then the young couple tripped on a branch strategically placed by elves .
oh , yes...then the young couple tripped on a branch strategically placed by elves .
JULY 1979...NEW UNDERWEAR
this kid wanted to talk to me...turns out...his parents made him wear magic hitler underwear...and they itched like fuck .
...i gave him three new pairs of SCOOBY - DO underwear the next day...he felt better .
DARRYL...1990
...darryl calls me on the phone...and talks...and talks...and talks...i go away for a while to have a shit...come back...darryl is still talking .
...and what he is saying is retarded , too .
...and what he is saying is retarded , too .
Thursday, March 31, 2016
AS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED...SEPT . 1991
...as previously mentioned...some fucker literally attempted to run me over in the autumn of 1991...BUT HERE IS THE THING...maybe he got me...maybe the information simply escaped me for one reason or another...REALLY...who the fuck knows what is going on...one thing for sure...it ain't what we think it is .
MY BROTHER...CITIZEN OF THE YEAR ...1975
...so this fucker breaks into the house...i go to the downstairs flat and summon my brother from his nest...i say...'' hey , steve...someone is in the house ''...he simply lifts up his pillow and exposes his hand gun...then there appears a big fat smile upon his face...he says...GOOD !!!
...they could have sold tickets to see my brother and father go 12 rounds with each other .
...they could have sold tickets to see my brother and father go 12 rounds with each other .
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
THE GRIZZLY BEAR...SQUIRREL LAKE...1979
...i was in the middle of the lake...snap !!! i heard a breaking branch...FUCK !!! we are all dead...grab the sex toys...run for the hills !!!
...in everyone's soul...there is grizzly bear...waiting for a bowl of corn flakes .
...in everyone's soul...there is grizzly bear...waiting for a bowl of corn flakes .
THE SWEATER MY FRIEND KNITTED ME...1985
i would walk to the post box in the night...wearing my genuine CHERYL REID ORIGINAL Sweater...nothing else...just my C > R > O > S...and , boy , didn't the raccoons go crazy over it .
seven raccoons choked and died trying to molest that piece of wool .
seven raccoons choked and died trying to molest that piece of wool .
FAMILY GATHERING...1974 - 1975
...legend has it that my brother bit off the cock of a vampire .
...then fucked up his face .
...then fucked up his face .
WESTMOUNT...1967 - 1970
i started smoking WHITE OWL CIGARS when i was five years old...they were almost as long as i was .
...it must have been some fucking sight watching me walk down the street with one stuck to my face .
...it must have been some fucking sight watching me walk down the street with one stuck to my face .
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
NOVA SCOTIA...1985
my father calls me in the middle of the night and asks...NO , DEMANDS...that i seduce his x - girlfriend...emphasis on the ''x'' .
...i say... ''no''...thus , begins this episode of DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY FEUD .
...i say... ''no''...thus , begins this episode of DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY FEUD .
PORTA PLATA...FEBRUARY 2015
...got back from porta plata...the customs officer asks me where i stayed .
reply...'' i forget '' .
think about it this way...if the entire universe intersects the entire universe all at the same time...then , my guess...is that everyone is everywhere...all at once .
reply...'' i forget '' .
think about it this way...if the entire universe intersects the entire universe all at the same time...then , my guess...is that everyone is everywhere...all at once .
LAMARCHANT SCHOOL...1970 - 1974
...we played 4 SQUARE in the playground...the winner got to place a dog turd on the teacher's desk .
...then she started throwing them back at us...you know ??? like a rock star...no fair !!!
...then she started throwing them back at us...you know ??? like a rock star...no fair !!!
THE BLACK BEAR / KEGI PARK ...1993
i took a picture of a black bear...and when it was developed...( the picture...not the bears tits , or anything ) ...no bear .
...there was air instead of bear , my dear
...i concluded...it was a spiritual animal...a sign of sorts...of peace...love...that bears are nice .
...there was air instead of bear , my dear
...i concluded...it was a spiritual animal...a sign of sorts...of peace...love...that bears are nice .
WESTMOUNT SCHOOL...1967
...in grade primary...i stole a big plastic monkey and took it home .
...as punishment...my teacher wouldn't french kiss any more .
...as punishment...my teacher wouldn't french kiss any more .
Monday, March 28, 2016
CAMP KIDSTON 1978 - 1980
lyrically...the best song ever...RAM SAM SAM / RAM SAM SAM / GOOLY GOOLY GOOLY GOOLY / RAM SAM SAM .
complete with ram sam sam positions...like...head up ass and things like that .
complete with ram sam sam positions...like...head up ass and things like that .
BRISBANE , AUSTRALIA...SHOPPING MALL 1988
...these two kids looked like they weren't really interested in their cheese cake...so i ate it .
i asked them first , of course...i wouldn't want to be rude or anything .
i asked them first , of course...i wouldn't want to be rude or anything .
NEW YEARS EVE 1982
...there she was...stoned on mushrooms...did we have a date ??? or did she just fall from the sky ??? i really don't know .
we ate chineese food at the garden view...( which , by the way , had no view of the gardens ) .
we ate chineese food at the garden view...( which , by the way , had no view of the gardens ) .
WINNING CAPE BRETON ISLAND CLASS ' A '...1985
as i walked off the court...to tremendous applause...someone handed me a note from my lady friend...'' dear stu...FUCK OFF '' ...by the time i got to my trophy...it seemed like all of the island could see me ''lose my cookies''...those fucking humiliating cookies .
...sometimes victory can be a hard luck story .
...sometimes victory can be a hard luck story .
Sunday, March 27, 2016
LE TONYA...1978
...a very intellectual relationship...and the first subject to come up...was my penis .
...she was also good at milking cows...sorta .
...she was also good at milking cows...sorta .
WESTMOUNT SEPTEMBER 1967...SCHOOL
...i remember the first day of school...my little red school bag...the crayons...learning to count to four...and the human sacrifice at the end of the day .
...we ate 27 janitors that year .
...we ate 27 janitors that year .
LEAVING SCOTT...DEC . 1982
my auto-mobile ploughed through the snow like the throbbing penis of love...the midnight sky vagina...i was listening on the radio...'' on the first day of christmas my true love gave to me...a beer '' ...now , that is my kind of woman .
little did we know...the universe forgot to change its p.j.'s .
little did we know...the universe forgot to change its p.j.'s .
GROWING UP IN THE 60's AND 70's
back in the 70's...kids like me would beat the crap out of other kids...and the teachers would say...''boys will be boys ''...THESE DAYS...you tell someone that 9 times 7 isn't 45...and you are a fucking bully .
...what we need is a monkey...and some brave bastard to stick it in the middle .
...what we need is a monkey...and some brave bastard to stick it in the middle .
Saturday, March 26, 2016
ST . ANDREW' S CHURCH...1979
...in the process of hiring a new minister...and you best not get in their fucking way .
...where there is power...there is the abuse of power...and the best you can hope for is to get your dick sucked .
TAZZ RECORDS...1990 - 200?
...he was the king of music...the guru among guru's...with SCREAMING J . blasting through his BOSTON CREAM DONUT...soft rock fans melted like bees wax .
...BUT...did he ever actually make a child into a sandwich ???
...BUT...did he ever actually make a child into a sandwich ???
HONEYBUNCH AND THE THREE BEARS...1990 OR 1991
...so this guy...confesses to me...his pastor...that he is gay...i tell him that's neat...i think poodles are kinda cute...thing is...from that day on...every time i caught him looking at me...it is like...HE WANTS TO KILL ME .
...life works both ways , honeybunch !!!
...life works both ways , honeybunch !!!
THE HOCKEY GAME...1974...AUTUMN
...street hockey...CENTRAL HALIFAX...us...beat the living shit out of WESTMOUNT...10 - 0...then they wanted to fight us...and we beat the crap out of them again .
...WITH GOD ON OUR SIDE...
...WITH GOD ON OUR SIDE...
Friday, March 25, 2016
PHONE SEX...1995 and 20...WHATEVER
my one experience with phone sex...( besides perverts calling me in the middle of the night )...was with my beautiful love , UNANIMOUS .
we went through 17 phones...thank god you can get them really cheap .
we went through 17 phones...thank god you can get them really cheap .
AN OLD FORGOTTEN FRIEND...1981 - 1983
just met this fellow on the road...he asked my name then proceeded to tell me that he was about to get the shit kicked out of him when he was a kid...but i intervened...GLAD I COULD HELP .
bee NICE !!!
bee NICE !!!
Thursday, March 24, 2016
CAMP KIDSTON...JUNE 1979
...i pick up this young , beautiful hitch - hiker on the road to camp...she did tropical bird calls and sipped cream soda for 50 miles...and where was her destination , you may ask ??? same place as mine .
the road less travelled is even more interesting if you are naked .
the road less travelled is even more interesting if you are naked .
MY GREAT AUNT...1979
...i played chris de burgh for my great aunt...she just wiggled her head in shock and horror...her hands shook as she dropped her joint to the floor...every paedophile in her congregation signed a partition condemning mr . deburgh ....
meanwhile...he didn't know a fucking thing about any of this shit .
meanwhile...he didn't know a fucking thing about any of this shit .
FLOURIE...1979
...i played chris de burgh for my great aunt...she just wiggled her head in shock and horror...her hands shook as she dropped her joint to the floor...every paedophile in her congregation signed a partition condemning mr . deburgh ....
meanwhile...he didn't know a fucking thing about any of this shit .
meanwhile...he didn't know a fucking thing about any of this shit .
SELAH...1995 - 1999
...the fuckers actually had spies that they sent to our community...i guess they were so proud of themselves that they had to share this information .
people really don't know what they should be proud of...or ashamed of .
people really don't know what they should be proud of...or ashamed of .
THE YOUTH GROUPS...1995
...so they began a youth group down the street...objective ??? simple...fuck up ours...we will refer to these two groups as...THE MASTURBATING AND NON-MASTURBATING GROUPS .
...guess who won ???
...guess who won ???
BUSINESS AS USUAL...200?
...so i make this fucker a pizza...and he flips out because there are no hot dogs on it...he is shaking and his eyes are bulging .
...i give up cooking .
...i give up cooking .
BE CAREFUL WHAT PRICK YOU BEAT
i came within the width of a white man's penis of beating the shit out of my grade 10 math teacher...THEN I HAD THIS BLINDING LIGHT EXPERIENCE...GOD SAID TO ME...if you want to beat a prick...stick to the one between your legs .
Wednesday, March 23, 2016
RICKY AND STU...AUGUST 1979 / AUGUST 1980
in 1979 , ricky and i played this game we affectionately refer to as CITIES...THING IS...'' the powers that be'' screwed us like the whore of babylon...and we finished second...we vowed to win the next year no matter what...
does it mattered that we lied ??? NOPE...cheated ??? how do you think moses parted the red sea ??? handcuffed our main competition to a tree ??? who gives a fuck ??? released a herd of rabbit dingo's into the forest ??? if you read the greek new testament...jesus did the exact same thing .
long story short...WE WON !!!
does it mattered that we lied ??? NOPE...cheated ??? how do you think moses parted the red sea ??? handcuffed our main competition to a tree ??? who gives a fuck ??? released a herd of rabbit dingo's into the forest ??? if you read the greek new testament...jesus did the exact same thing .
long story short...WE WON !!!
PEPSI WILSON MINOR TENNIS LEAGUE...1981 - 1983
...i used to do this thing where i would serve a tennis ball so hard...it would break the raquets into two pieces...i justified it by saying that it prepared the boys for puberty...and girls for a long , stupid , dull life...if they decided to be heterosexual .
CAMP KIDSTON...AUGUST 1987
...as an exorcize...i told the kids to talk to a tree and try to imagine what the tree would say if it could talk back...THING IS...one of the little fuckers lost his marbles when the tree wouldn't say a fucking thing .
...sure it was funny...but it got just a little bit too weird .
...sure it was funny...but it got just a little bit too weird .
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
DEAD CALM...SEPT . 1991
this guy is in bed masturbating...this other guy says...WHO ARE YOU THINKING OF ??? the reply...YOUR SISTER .
...not another word was spoken .
...not another word was spoken .
OUTSIDE BOSTON...SEPTEMBER 1991 PART 1
...i walk down this country road just outside salem...i hear a rock crash by my feet...i look to my right onto a field and see the golden illuminated outline of a man smashing the head of another man open with a rock...within seconds...a car attempts to run me over...i jump into the ditch .
...and the cosmos spins like a raccoon .
...and the cosmos spins like a raccoon .
SOUTH SHORE CLASS A JULY 1985...LOST IN THE FINALS
...i take what may be the last bite of my jellyfish sandwich...as brenda peach - tits bunny drives down the wrong side of the highway at 120 miles per hour...flapping her gums in the wind like they held the cure for cancer .
...now , this is what i call tennis .
...now , this is what i call tennis .
AUSTRALIAN SWIMMING POOL...1989
there was a baptism in a swimming pool...the pool rumbled...and the parishioners saw strange shapes upon the water...and when the pictures were developed...these shapes appeared in the form of demonic entities...maybe on vacation , who knows ???
...this did not , however...interrupt the video afterwards...TURNER AND HOOTCH .
...this did not , however...interrupt the video afterwards...TURNER AND HOOTCH .
Monday, March 21, 2016
SUMMER 1981...# 11 CLASS A NOVA SCOTIA
...the wonderful thing about breaking up with the most beautiful girl in the world...is that you know you can't get any dumber .
squirrels are like penis's...don't ever corner one in a tree...or something like that , anyway .
SUMMER 1981...ALONE AND MYSTIFIED
...i spent the night time reading the bible under a flood light in the school ground...my favourite bit was when noah said to the elves that he would never join a club who would have someone like him as a member .
...my spaniel possibly would have bitten noah...and he definitely would have avoided david like the fucking plague .
...my spaniel possibly would have bitten noah...and he definitely would have avoided david like the fucking plague .
BROWN SQUIRREL...1979 or 1980
i rewrote a camp song...BROWN SQUIRREL...and it travelled across north america in less than one year .
'' brown squirrel , brown squirrel shake that bushy tail ''...but hopefully in private .
'' brown squirrel , brown squirrel shake that bushy tail ''...but hopefully in private .
THE MAGIC FROG...AUG . 1986
...i stuck a firecracker inside a frog's mouth...then i realized...that frog was me .
...rickie got frog in his hair .
...rickie got frog in his hair .
THE FUCKING CHAPEL... JULY 1980
'' i can hear you down at the fucking chapel ''...said the red falcon to those surrounding the evening fire .
...they just trebled as they grabbed another weiner...and stuffed it into their mouths .
...they just trebled as they grabbed another weiner...and stuffed it into their mouths .
Sunday, March 20, 2016
THE NORTHERN LIGHTS...SEPT. 1981
...in september 1981... i saw the NORTHERN LIGHTS...they were like tits...but you couldn't reach out and grab them...no matter how hard you tried .
...so i settled for some chocolate milk .
...so i settled for some chocolate milk .
THE APPLE TREE...SEPTEMBER 1980
under the apple tree...we notice no apples...we have better things to do...like listen to JAMES TAYLOR...and notice the apples .
...kids...
...kids...
STEVEN...THE RED FALCON...CAMP KIDSTON...1978 -1981
there are elves in the woods...they play games and hide...they don't give a screw...as they know the RED FALCON circles their quiet little abode .
...the red falcon is a community development engineer .
...the red falcon is a community development engineer .
Saturday, March 19, 2016
I LOVE PIG...JULY 1980
...it was a sunny day...we ate our communion bread and drank our wine...listening to jackson browne ...we flew to the moon with pigs and pig meat swallowed into infinity .
Friday, March 18, 2016
BAY SIDE CAMP...1995
we sang FIRES BURNING...then a kid fell off the log and snapped his arm into two equal pieces...it sounded like a sasquatch drugging and raping a baboon , crushing his bones for added flavour .
YET...the fire was still burning...and the hobgoblins still danced with their dicks in their hands .
YET...the fire was still burning...and the hobgoblins still danced with their dicks in their hands .
LONG LAKE...AUGUST 1987
some people who love this place eagerly await the day that i choke on a can of cat food...STILL...what a beautiful lake...( especially the loons ) .
LIFE INSURANCE...END OF 1980
i saw you in the ACADIA UNIVERSITY dining hall , 1980...you flipped out...everything gone...like a kids baseball through a billion dollar window .
FUCK...i hope someone loved you .
ULTIMATELY...all we have is each other .
FUCK...i hope someone loved you .
ULTIMATELY...all we have is each other .
LET ' S GET PISSED...1973
...when i was 10 or 11 years old...i pissed in a friends shampoo bottle...his father began to lose his hair shortly thereafter...then there was the sound of the wayward raven .
CRABS...1972 or THREE
...i was soon to realize...that my crabs were like people...i was the black one with one claw...i went sideways...but did i go sideways enough ???
THE DRAGON...january 1988
i walk down the beech...straight into a KAMODO DRAGON...he is having a drink with some SEVENTH DAY ADVENTISTS...it was a sunny day .
when a dragon walks down the beach...you can see where his testicles drag...and that is why they call them DRAGONS .
when a dragon walks down the beach...you can see where his testicles drag...and that is why they call them DRAGONS .
MY TENNIS PARTNER...NOV . 1994
my friend drove straight into a truck...his peanut butter and budgie sandwich all but disintegrated...he had just proposed to a young lady...who lived a hundred miles down the road .
Thursday, March 17, 2016
SOUTH SHORE...CLASS A 1984
...it was a sunny day...my friend's gal closed her eyes and masturbated as she drove down the wrong side of the country road 100 miles per hour...the tomato's gushed out of my sandwich as i chomped down and shat my pants , like a brown train coming out of a tunnel...don henly was on the radio .
SELAH RETREAT...1998 - 2016
every year come march...we try to plug into each other...and maybe play a little ping-pong with the cat...the cat usually loses...but it is closer than you may suspect .
COMMUNITY IS LOVE .
COMMUNITY IS LOVE .
CAMP WORKSHOP...JULY 1980
the sun sets in a more mysterious position when there are angels in front of it...and a creeking door sounds more like vulnerability than rusty hinges .
LOVE IS A CHOICE...but the universe will take complete notice .
LOVE IS A CHOICE...but the universe will take complete notice .
PREACHING IN THE CHURCH BY THE OCEAN...1991 or 1992
i was supposed to do a strip tease show...complete with a stuffed bunny rabbit for my crotch and a hand full of magic mushrooms for every dick shit in the congregation...THING IS...the map to get there was simply a picture of earth...and a picture of pluto...with a line and arrow connecting them both .
...got there just as the cock crowed three times .
...got there just as the cock crowed three times .
Wednesday, March 16, 2016
MY YETI HUNT...AUGUST... 2000
somewhere near mount blanc...i hunted the yeti...according to the tele...he was about one tree behind me the whole time .
question...is this a metaphor for life ???
THE PRAYER MEETING...1997
i went to this prayer meeting to bring a little bit of healing and forgiveness into a rather difficult situation .
...they snuck away when i was not looking and i never saw them again .
Monday, March 14, 2016
STONED...SUMMER 1991
...i got stoned...took off my clothes...dove into a lake...and proclaimed to the world...I AM A SEAL .
...the sky opens...i see god...he says : YOU AIN'T NO FUCKING SEAL !!!
...OH , my head drops...as i spin around , slightly subdued .
...the sky opens...i see god...he says : YOU AIN'T NO FUCKING SEAL !!!
...OH , my head drops...as i spin around , slightly subdued .
THE CAT IN THE CARRIAGE...200?
...i see this baby carriage...intuitively i know that there is no baby inside it...but a cat...i walk over to take a look...yup...it's a cat all right...and i think the little fucker is stoned .
...i continue my journey .
...i continue my journey .
Sunday, March 13, 2016
MY EXTRAORDINARY HAT...200?
...forgot my hat...arrived at my destination...there it was...when i got home...there it was again...right where i left it in the first place .
...strange days .
...strange days .
Saturday, March 12, 2016
ALICE SPRINGS...WINTER 1989
i drink wine...and ponder what i have learned in bible college...like...masturbation is the devil's playground...and crocodiles used their teeth to dig up roots and shit...(before eve got caught sucking off adam ) ...you know , theology !!!
Friday, March 11, 2016
AYRES ROCK...WINTER 1989
my guess is that i climbed AYRES ROCK in my heart , long before i made the journey in AUSTRALIA...possibly...we incubate everything before we live it .
MY THREE FRIENDS...OVER FOUR DECADES...70's , 80's , 90's , 00's
...three of my best friends ever...over a period of four decades...all moved into the same house...they had never met each other...there were billions of other houses they could have moved in to...and they all had the same favourite dinosaur...THE PENISAURIS REX...who fucked themselves to extinction .
bet ya didn't know that .
bet ya didn't know that .
THE GARBAGE CAN...1995 / 1996
there was this garbage can in front of my apartment building that i would throw garbage into on my way to the whore house...SO GUESS WHAT THE FUCKERS DID ??? they took the fucking thing away...you know...because i was putting FUCKING garbage into it...my GOD , man...what is this ??? russia or something ???
Thursday, March 10, 2016
MY NON...FISHING GRANDFATHER...LATE 1994
i found out my grandfather died...sitting on a friend's front steps...talking about people who appreciated the fine art of setting cars on fire...
...set my car on fire , you little prick...and see what happens .
...set my car on fire , you little prick...and see what happens .
9 - 11...ASS HOLES COME IN EVERY SHAPE , SIZE , RELIGION...WHATEVER...
right after 9 - 11....i am in a convenience store and this fellow is abusing this MUSLIM gentleman...just because he thinks he can get away with it...i position myself to intervene...and the arrogant little fucker turns on me... WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ??? he belched...YOU , i reply... I THINK YOU GOT A NICE ASS AND I THINK YOU ARE PURDY .
...i have never seen someone move so fast in my life .
...i have never seen someone move so fast in my life .
BATTLE...OCT . 94 / DEC . 97
...we love more in a battle...thing is...we also battle more in a battle .
...and the farmer's son fornicates with the sheep as the mother looks on...just to hurt her feelings...FUCKER !!! ( it wouldn't be so bad if he actually liked screwing sheep ) .
...and the farmer's son fornicates with the sheep as the mother looks on...just to hurt her feelings...FUCKER !!! ( it wouldn't be so bad if he actually liked screwing sheep ) .
BINGO...1988 - 1989...AUSTRALIA
...just a few minutes from my home was a bingo hall...i would casually approach like a jedi knight...open the door...yell...BINGO...and fuck off as fast as my feet would carry me...the sound of bells dancing and clinging in the ever-growing distance .
Wednesday, March 9, 2016
JACOB RIVER...SEPT . 1981
JACOB RIVER wore a potato sack...and drove a bicycle that he could barely peddle to his ass hole...jacob liked cream filled donuts...but thought that dogs should be gently placed back in the forest where GOD put them in the first place...JACOB washed his feet in the cool halifax autumn water...wrote really stupid shit that made no sense...and travelled the universe in a paper cup .
JACOB WAS ONE OF GOD'S OWN...JACOB WAS AWESOME .
JACOB WAS ONE OF GOD'S OWN...JACOB WAS AWESOME .
TUPPER...1990 - 1991
...so this ignorant prick throws a bomb through the basement window of this street person that i just happened to be particularly fond of...tearing the walls apart like godzilla's dick inside mrs . godzilla's private parts...( though , they really aren't very private at all ) .
do you know what happens when a street person gets blown up into little pieces ??? basically...not a fucking thing...a few old people gather around and drink ginger beer , but that is about it...you know , besides the juggling rattlesnakes .
and my point...CARE !!!
do you know what happens when a street person gets blown up into little pieces ??? basically...not a fucking thing...a few old people gather around and drink ginger beer , but that is about it...you know , besides the juggling rattlesnakes .
and my point...CARE !!!
THE ALCOHOLIC...200?
one thing about an alcoholic...when they drive through a drive through...they really FUCKING drive through .
...and the sun burger burnt the roof of my mouth .
...and the sun burger burnt the roof of my mouth .
MARCH 20 1978
the greatest journey you will have on this planet...is the unravelling and understanding of your heart .
Tuesday, March 8, 2016
CAMP KIDSTON...JULY 1979
the best part of peeking at a young lady when she is getting changed...i refer to as the in between part...you know ??? when the clothes are off and the bathing suit is still around the knees...( at best )...THIS IS THE TWILIGHT ZONE OF CHANGING...as the professionals say...and is the main reason why people go to school...you know ??? to exorcize that dirty little mind of theirs...so when they finally get to see a cute little thing...or a well shaved sasquatch...or a mermaid...or whatever your fucking shit is...they can save it in your head...store it in there until night fall...and use it for wacking material .
...thank's for the day , campers ???
THE DEMON POSSESSED LADY WITH THE ODD SOCKS...MID 90 ' S
i walk up to this meals to go kinda place with this young , soon to be marine , sex maniac who claims to have seen the loch ness monster outside of his hotel room while masturbating...i ask for the biggest fucking box of fresh fish that JESUS has ever placed upon this planet...
...suddenly...a lady from across the isle begins to scream at me in three different languages at the same time...then she points like a rats nose...and bolts like fox a with his nuts on fire...terrorizing the village people... ( the customers , not the band )...as she hobbles and twists and hisses and claws at the door .
i check my pants...just to make sure my dick isn't hanging out .
...suddenly...a lady from across the isle begins to scream at me in three different languages at the same time...then she points like a rats nose...and bolts like fox a with his nuts on fire...terrorizing the village people... ( the customers , not the band )...as she hobbles and twists and hisses and claws at the door .
i check my pants...just to make sure my dick isn't hanging out .
CHARITY EXTENDS SO FAR...sometime in the 90 's
...so this fucker yells at me from 100 yards away... I'VE BEEN TORTURING GOD'S PEOPLE FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS...AND I STILL AM .
using my discernment...i quickly conclude...THIS IDIOT NEEDS A HAND-JOB IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY .
using my discernment...i quickly conclude...THIS IDIOT NEEDS A HAND-JOB IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY .
THE PROPHET...TOWNSVILLE , AUSTRALIA...1988
one of my favourite moments in bible college...is when this fellow stood up in front of the class...pointed his figure at this other fellow...and proceeded to tell him that...and i quote : GOD IS GOING TO BEAT YOU WITH A BIG STICK .
...i am not sure what GOD had to say on the subject .
...i am not sure what GOD had to say on the subject .
REHMA BIBLE COLLEGE...1988
...i gave myself a 99 % on preaching practice...the teacher made me watch the video again and issue myself another mark...so i did...100 % .
i didn't do it...but , in all likely hood...the best way to get yourself through bible college...is the fuck your way through .
i didn't do it...but , in all likely hood...the best way to get yourself through bible college...is the fuck your way through .
Monday, March 7, 2016
AUTUMN...1978
in 1978 , i went to MONTREAL and watched : KISS AND THE PHANTOM...all i remember is GENE SIMMONS , walking down a hall with those stupid fucking clod hoppers of his...lungs hissing like he was in the final stages of pneumonia... looking like a sewer alien , climbing through truck loads of shit and sperm...simply to journey into the middle of an ass hole .
GENE SIMMONS is awesome !!!
...we watch hockey as well...MONTREAL 3 - 1 , over BOSTON .
GENE SIMMONS is awesome !!!
...we watch hockey as well...MONTREAL 3 - 1 , over BOSTON .
JEFF THE CROW...AUG . 2010
...i was telling the story of JEFF THE CROW...my friend looks down at his computer...and there before him...is a picture of a crow named JEFF .
CHRISTMAS AT THE LIQUOR COMMISSION...DEC. 1987...i was the security guard...
while waiting to make the purchase...i got the enthusiastic little tribe of customers...fresh from their course in octopusology... to partake in a sing song...number seven with a bullet ??? BROWN SQUIRREL , BROWN SQUIRREL...SHAKE THAT FUCKING TAIL...and they all danced around...bobbing...shaking that tail...maybe even a little bit of prancing .
...and the best part ??? the ever popular reaction from the manager .
...SMILE...HAVE A LOVELY DAY !!!
...and the best part ??? the ever popular reaction from the manager .
...SMILE...HAVE A LOVELY DAY !!!
ORGANIZED RELIGION...1978 - 1999
picking your nose is not the same as having two universes crash into each other...no matter what some prick says .
Sunday, March 6, 2016
PRAYER TAKEN TO ANOTHER LEVEL...200?
...there i was in the library...praying for world peace...( opposed to world peas...which , of course , is also a good idea )...and feeling inclined to pray for this individual that i had never met nor seen before in my life...
THEN , suddenly...AND I SHIT YOU NOT...this lady i had know from years back...appears from out of nowhere...( sorta like GHOSTBUSTERS )...and introduces me to the fellow next to me...
...who just happened to be the guy i was praying for .
THEN , suddenly...AND I SHIT YOU NOT...this lady i had know from years back...appears from out of nowhere...( sorta like GHOSTBUSTERS )...and introduces me to the fellow next to me...
...who just happened to be the guy i was praying for .
SUNDAY SUPPERS...1991 - 1992
there i am preaching...clothes on and everything...suddenly...this old fart begins to scream at me...tells me i am sending these people to hell...( does not speculate north or south)...then...the old lady sitting...well...in another chair...( i don'r remember , exactly )...belches out....SHUT THE FUCK UP...HE'S MY FRIEND...SHUT UP...
...and what did i do ??? good question...i summoned all my wisdom and courage together...all my brilliance and discernment...and did...SWEET FUCK ALL...but i did it with class !!!
...and what did i do ??? good question...i summoned all my wisdom and courage together...all my brilliance and discernment...and did...SWEET FUCK ALL...but i did it with class !!!
Saturday, March 5, 2016
SELAH...SEPT . '92 - DEC '94
love is a village...much like THE VILLAGE PEOPLE...THE VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED...THE ETERNAL VILLAGE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD...and 90 's super group...LITTLE VILLAGE...all rolled up into one .
...choose your friends carefully...and if you cannot see their heart...don't expect it is there .
...choose your friends carefully...and if you cannot see their heart...don't expect it is there .
MY STRAWBERRY HILL COMPANION...AUGUST 1985
i took a nap in my little chick-a-poo's bed before THE PARTY...tossing in the hamburger bun like contraption...( opposed to tossing off ) ...my left hand stumbled upon this book full of vaginas...big ones...little ones...well cropped ones...invisible ones...they were all there...dancing and prancing inside the covers...like bambi in a rain forest.
...i took it all in...pages one to 74...( with the exception of 49 , which was a complete dud )...and thought to myself...I NEVER KNEW MY DEAR LIFE LONG FRIEND WAS A DRUID ???
( i wish i were a lesbian )...
...i took it all in...pages one to 74...( with the exception of 49 , which was a complete dud )...and thought to myself...I NEVER KNEW MY DEAR LIFE LONG FRIEND WAS A DRUID ???
( i wish i were a lesbian )...
CHRISSY'S WEDDING...SEPTEMBER 2008
five or six dollars a beer...SO...i snuck mine into the bathroom for free...
...and that's why i get to be the reverend .
...and that's why i get to be the reverend .
THE TENNIS SHOT...JUNE 1975
maybe your life hinges upon one particular moment...and that moment will define all else...you don't know when it is coming...nor when it has arrived...and it does not care if your dick is in your hand or you are staggering through a tiger infested forest of lost souls .
...and one more thing...THE FUCKING BALL WAS NOT OUT !!!
...and one more thing...THE FUCKING BALL WAS NOT OUT !!!
Friday, March 4, 2016
WEST GREEN HARBOUR BLUES... 1966 - 1972
my grandfather lived in WEST GREEN HARBOUR...his friend bought a jews- harp...and put out his front teeth...lucky he didn't play it with his bird and pulverize his nuts .
Thursday, March 3, 2016
HOME FROM PORTA PLATA...FEB . 2015
halifax customs...the chubby sweet little unflowered lady asked me where i had been staying...slightly misunderstanding the question...i told her that i didn't know...( you know , with the earth's plates moving and all that shit )...ANYWAY...next thing i know...a german shepherd is licking between my balls while singing a chorus of newfoundland folk songs .
i suspect the dog was gay .
i suspect the dog was gay .
CLEANEST DIRTY OLD MAN IN THE WORLD...MID 0's
...some people just have a weird thing for public showers...SCOTTY and I wrote a song about it : " THE CLEANEST DIRTY OLD MAN IN THE WORLD " .
( sad , actually ) .
( sad , actually ) .
INNER CITY YOUTH CLUB...JULY 1992
...i told this father that his kid was violent...he threatened to beat me up .
THE HIKE...AUGUST 1991
we were hiking through a virgin stream...i turned to my friend and suggested that it would be a snappy idea if we both found a can of our favourite beer...within 30 seconds...there they are at the bottom...stuck between a universe of hope and a universe of sadness...labels dancing in the water...CLANCY'S and BECK'S...nestled against billion year old stones...like an alien space craft against a giant brain that thought he knew everything...but actually knew sweet fuck all .
...the universe ejaculates all over space and time .
...the universe ejaculates all over space and time .
INNER CITY YOUTH CLUB...I LEFT SEPT . 1992...church scrapped...???
the minister said GOD would purge the church of sin...HE sure as fuck did...they ploughed the thing down...no more sin !!!
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
LATE DECEMBER 1988...A FRIENDS PLACE
walking superhero pigeon like with my coffee in hand...waiting for the meat pie shop to open like bogfoot's ejaculation...two more hours to go .
i consider the possibility that i am the only student in bible college who does not screw meat pies .
i don't fucking care , actually...i just want my fucking meat pies.
i consider the possibility that i am the only student in bible college who does not screw meat pies .
i don't fucking care , actually...i just want my fucking meat pies.
THANK ' S FOR THE DAY CAMPERS...END OF AUGUST 1980
...the illusion of love is just like love...but without the hard parts .
FULL MOON... AUG . 1980
we have meteors...we have the moon...what we need is another moon...for when passing clouds are fucking up the first one .
...or maybe we just need each other .
...or maybe we just need each other .
END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT...OCT . 31 1994
it is not that i caught you lying to me...it is that you would throw a fucking hissy-fit if i ever wrote a song about it...that's the turtle inside my underwear .
...the cat steals the food and frames the dog when JESUS is busy saving souls .
...the cat steals the food and frames the dog when JESUS is busy saving souls .
DARK SIDE OF THE MOON...MAY 1980
i had a vision of MOSES separating the spaniels from the people...the people broke the tablets as the spaniels leaped through the air into GOD'S MERCIFUL ARMS .
...the people pissed their iron outfits and chopped their donkeys into shapes found only at the centre of the earth .
...the people pissed their iron outfits and chopped their donkeys into shapes found only at the centre of the earth .
PEPSI WILSON MINOR TENNIS LEAGUE...SUMMERS 1981 - 1983
...the great outdoors...objective...turning a game played with sticks and balls into a life changing , spiritual , heart healing experience .
the seagulls would shit on the cars driving by...as we fried eggs on the plexy-pave and rounded up the cattle like LITTLE JOE and his sacred moon-jumping glow in the dark cow .
...your success is your love !!!
the seagulls would shit on the cars driving by...as we fried eggs on the plexy-pave and rounded up the cattle like LITTLE JOE and his sacred moon-jumping glow in the dark cow .
...your success is your love !!!
Tuesday, March 1, 2016
CATCHING SHIT AT SUMMER CAMP
my first sermon...and was told...'' what the fuck did you do that for ??? '' why do we do anything , really ??? whatever the reason...we hope we don't get shit for it ...( most of us ) .
meanwhile...the universe moves like road kill on a hot summer day .
meanwhile...the universe moves like road kill on a hot summer day .
Monday, February 29, 2016
WHITE POINT LODGE...LATE JUNE 1993
i took off my bathing suit and fondled her privates in the whirlpool...but the bubbles kept my soul pure .
amen !!!
amen !!!
IS BAT CAVE A COMPOUND WORD ??? 1966 - 1970
we all live in our own personal BAT CAVE...except , maybe BATMAN...he lives upstairs...boiling tea and watching ROBIN bathe all day long .
...we all got our own fucking thing .
...we all got our own fucking thing .
KIDSTON LATE AUGUST 1987
things turn...like seasons...vegetables...and people on each other .
and that is all well and good...but what fucks me up...is how little motivation is needed...you would almost think betrayal was an ejaculation .
Sunday, February 28, 2016
SEPTEMBER 11 2001
I ORDERED ANOTHER BEER AND QUIETLY THOUGHT TO MYSELF...fuck this...i'm raising alpacas .
Saturday, February 27, 2016
A WOMAN AND A QUESTIONABLE HUSBAND...2010
...so there i am in a hotel lobby in havana...i am talking to this lady and...suddenly...behind her i see the glow and the illumination of an angel...he tells me to take her hand...( she is a married lady...i am a bit nervous)...ANYWAY...i do and immediately i see a relaxation upon her face...she begins to move her hand and she tells me that she had not moved it for years...
...i hear no coyotes in the background...maybe there are non in all of cuba...fucked if i know .
...i hear no coyotes in the background...maybe there are non in all of cuba...fucked if i know .
Friday, February 26, 2016
FLYING ON YOUR OWN...SEPTEMBER 1981
did you ever see the world from outer space ??? did you ever see your heart from inner space ???
the jet flies over musquidoboit...i eat my peanuts and drink my coffee .
the jet flies over musquidoboit...i eat my peanuts and drink my coffee .
Thursday, February 25, 2016
PARADE SQUARE DEC . 1987
...the snow lightly falls into my apple cider...the church service was interesting...you may not believe it...but what people have to say after they have their testicles removed is a lot different than before...do you know why a priest has his podium placed 15 feet above you ??? to shit on the top of your head , that's why...and then comes the alter boys to smear it all over the fucking place .
...it is in the bible , people !!!
...it is in the bible , people !!!
Wednesday, February 24, 2016
HALIFAX , 2006 - 2007
...over a period of 18 months...my friend SCOTT C . and myself wrote and recorded somewhere between 40 and 50 record albums...with having virtually no casualties besides one budgie...who was...to be honest...accident prone to begin with .
...it was a stupid fucking budgie .
...it was a stupid fucking budgie .
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