december 1979

darryl , his brother and myself...


went to the park...


darrly fell in and got mighty wet...


i went and got a priest .

...moose river...

we drove to MOOSE RIVER...


were there were no moose...


and very little river...


the church sat like a rock .

august , 1982 ... east nova scotia

we drove in the country...


listening to STEELY DAN , AJA


do you know what a STEELY DAN IS ???


a steam powered dill - do , that's what .

mind fuck...date ???

one of the most vivid mind-fucks...


is saving a life of another...


they feel humiliated...


...and gash the shit right out of you .

pre - registration...late august 1980

i parked at acadia university...


slept in the back seat...


curled like a squirrel...


rabbits were fucking around on my hood .

my soon -to - be girl...eastern nova scotia

my soon to be girl...



peeled gravel on the dry country toad...



grandma using the steering wheel to masturbate...



she hit a raccoon with a toilet .  

...home by seven , summer 1985

...i parked downtown



...discovered a new religion



...bought CHICAGO , best of



...and dove naked into a lake of fish and chips

point pleasant park...december 1979

...we went to the park


...my pet bird had died by then


...if he ever lived at all


...darryl fell in the water and got wet .

annapolis valley 1980

...we drove through the country side


...me and jesus


...i decided that come THE RAPTURE


...i would come back again .

an ode to a squirrel...september 1978 and 1979 and so on...

david and i walked to the park...


in the spring of the autumn time...


there was a squirrel in a tree


but not the other tree .

the best day of my life , late august 1978

the best day of my life...


nobody had a whip...


and the toads danced with jesus...


who had a big '' S '' on his outfit .

...cornwallis talent show...

...it was the grade nine talent show


...i stood in front of 300 kids


...for some strange reason


...my penis was hanging out .

...the faculty...

it was BIBLE COLLEGE GRADUATION...


i swam naked...


the faculty watched...


they adored my strokes .

glen's room...late 1980 ' s

i got drunk...


and threw up all over glen's ceiling...


it is still there...


people pay admission to see it .

crystal creek...october 1989

me and karon went to CRYSTAL CREEK...


we bought some really weird berries...


then we ate them...


in our mouths .

townsville , january 1989

we played mike tyson video...


we speculated upon the length of mike's penis...


i said 17 inches , you , 18...


the birds flew around the sky .

rhema bible college...

i wanted to lick her...



until she gushed like a sea monster in heat...



but the bible college people...



said i would be ''booted out' .

the owl of 1967...

i smoked my first cigar...


when i was five...


it came down to my knees...


it had an owl on the front of the package .

...fucking seals...

we were in the park on a snowy day...


the seals were on the rocks ...


it reminded me of my favourite movie...


the seal who was not .

the greatest shell...1966 - 1970

the greatest shell...


is the leopard shell...


you find it on the beach...


where the other shells are not .

winter 1993...point pleasant park

i took my dog a walkin '...


you should have seen her...


her legs one foot apart...


the universe between her .

early september 1986

a few days after my brother drowned...


i found myself swimming in a lake...


it was a strange sensation...


and the water talked to me .

after the gold rush...1978 , july

what did the golden donkey leave ???


after the gold rush ???


and the first intermission ???


piles and piles of shit and memories .

september 1967

the first day of school...


i wore a little red bag on my back...


complete with crayons...


and a pint of scotch .

downtown townsville , january 1989

we went to the video store...


we played mike tyson...


or something like it...


people are weird...or something like it .

the lady said...

this lady said...LET ' S GO SCREW...



i replied...GO HOME AND ASK YOUR HUSBAND...



IF IT 'S ALL RIGHT WITH HIM...



IT ' S ALL RIGHT WITH ME .

1998..the black snake...

the snake crossed the road...



it had no body...



it was supernatural...



and about 20 feet long .

english muffin...autumn 1993

i ate an english muffin...



not england , just a muffin...



and you hid them from me...



maybe in a woman's secret place . i don't know .

the wedding

...i say JESUS



....somebody throws shit across the room



...hits someone in the face and faints



...and nobody can jump over the magic sticks

inner city youth club...december 1991

...she said i spent all my spare time



....downtown in bars



...how could i golf kittens



...if i were drunk all the time ???

west green harbour 1967

gram made an extra room...



so i wouldn't have to sleep on the couch...



put my brother next to me...



so i wouldn't have to worry about cougars .

graduation 1989

graduation day , bible college...



i got drunk on the beach...



took off my clothes...



and swam amongst the sharks...( faculty , that is ) .

eel hunting , 1972

come listen to a story...



of two 10 year old kids eel hunting...



bite your dick off , that is...



never go swimming in west green harbour .

dragon's and prostitutes...

if you ever go to australia...



do not mistake a komodo dragon...



for a cheap prostitute...



unless it is really cheap .

there was no bear...and even if there was...summer 1979

i came running in the  lodge ...



yelling..." there is a bear  out there , boys "



we all grabbed our personalised bats



and went hunting raccoon , i mean bear .

gram's country roast beef...

gram made me roast beef...



she cooked it on a wood stove...



we had only one t .v. channel...



but you only need one to watch GET SMART .

the grave robber 1971

just remember , a grave robber...



is nothing more...



than a gardener...



that needs a little push .

thief , summer of 1975

...so a thief breaks into our house



...i summon my brother from his den



...he smiles and replies...'' good "...and pulls out a gun



...from beneath his pillow .

a family with issues...summer 1978

my brother's wish was the same...



as my fathers...to dance across the lilies...



in a mid summer afternoon...



and to throw NAZI pamphlets at the onlookers .

summer of 1972...give my love to rose...

i kissed my brother's girlfriend...



right in front of him too...



he picked up his bike over his head...



and threw it at a squirrel .

summer 1974...fishing .

mark and i went fishing...



he caught three trout...



i caught the flue...



his fish begged for mercy  .

the great white north...1982

it was the winter of 1982...



we went from a great white shark off of the coast of long island...



to two hoseheads chomping down boston cream donuts...



and if you don't like it...TAKE OFF , EH !!!

visiting gram...1962 - 1972

we came flying down the gravel road...



dirt spraying like hashish smoke...



dad spelling his rum and coke...



just one more turn and i ' ll be there .



 

chicken on special in the mall 1988 -1999

every morning in bible college...



we would pray that the chicken...



would go on special...



many people would get trampled , but that's o .k.  

1969 , give or take a year

my grandmother would collect me...



these small , little pinball games...



out of boxes of tea or something...



dick tracy and bugs bunny were my favourite .

down stairs , 1974

my great aunt florie...



walked into my brothers' room...



and saw naked girlie pictures all over the wall...



my brother said : '' want a toke ??? '' .

mid eighties , nude pictures of myself...

the minister's daughter took my pictures out of my shopping bag...



then she blabbed to her  father...



apparently , her stealing shit is fine and dandy...



but having a dick will send you to hell .

winter 1982...

david and i ate donuts and drank coffee...



i think i had almond crunch...



the donuts , not the coffee...



then came the aliens when i was getting a refill .

GRANDMA'S FEATHER BED...JULY 1972

...grandma did not have a feather bed...



what she did have was a fisherman who FUCKING HATED FISHING...



 he would fiddle endlessly on his c.b. radio...



and drink until the fish came home...which , of course...they never did .

sometime in 1989...

i walked into bible college...



i looked around at all the non-masturbatory blood jugglers...



the sermon was on...well...me...



apparently , i am one of god's biggest fuck-ups .  

CHAMPAIGN BEER / AUGUST 1986...

i took eight kids hiking in the middle of the forest...



and ordered out for pizza...



a black bear salivated in the distance...



i gave him a piece for a swig of his champagne .

missing cats...1974 - 1975

my great aunt would steal cats...



lure them to her house with exotic fish pieces...



then my brother would shoot them...



i believe he collected MISSING CAT signs .

SUMMER CAMP...1979 or 1980

i was attacked by a bear...



but he was not a real bear...



come to think of it...



it wasn't a real attack , either .

THE PARKING LOT GAME SHOW...1984 - 1985

i would ask the men working on the construction sight a skill testing question...



like what rock star had the biggest cock...



AND IF THE ANSWER WAS CORRECT...




A NEW CAR !!! or a rubber ball...or something .

...the train to nice...

last day of france...



all the people were celebrating  masturbation day...




we kissed like a movie from 1957...



as the train appeared into the night .

LAUGHTER AND SUMMER CAMPING...1979

...barb and i went to see kermit...



and the amazing flying pig...



better known as miss . piggy...



pork  the fuck right out of her , you whorny , green fucker !!!

BAY SIDE CAMP 1992...SASQUATCH HUNT...

i dresses like a sasquatch...

you know , the suit ,  the briefcase...

the whole fucking thing minus the 16 inch penis...

then proceeded to terrorise the village .    

THE SWEATER AND THE LAWS OF PHYSICS...2007

...in distress...( my friend had just died )



...i accidentally threw my sweater down the garbage shoot...( thinking it was trash )



...i then ran to the fellow who was awaiting me



...only to find the same sweater in the back of his car .

...'' the family that plays together ''...

my father calls me in the night...



tells me to go to dartmouth and



'' fuck his x-girlfriend ''



i pour me a peanut butter  sandwich .

THE WASHROOM...200?

you wanted to seduce me...



i said...SURE...



GET YOUR HUSBAND'S PERMISSION...




 AND WE COULD START RIGHT AWAY .

MEMBERTON...1978 - 1980

i walk into the cabin...and it says...



perpetually , STU STRANG IS A HUNK...


it said other shit too , like the cure for cancer...



but who gives a fuck ???

MY BROTHERS MOUSTACHE...1986

my brother was a cook...



the kitchen would not allow him to wear a beard...



so he wore a moustache...



right down to his fucking ass .

THE DOG WAS POSSESSED...JANUARY 1997

from about 200 yards away , a german shepherd rises to his feet 

and heads for the front , left panel of our automobile...  

when he hits , it sounds like a bullet...

he leaves a bloody dent  as he hobbles into the sunset .

...summer of 1991...

down by the lake , we took off our clothes...



we pretended we were spider monkeys...


spider monkeys with rolled up joints...



twirling around in the water like eels .

NUDE BEACH WITH ELTON JOHN...JULY 2000

he lived down the street...



he was home , it looked like him...



now you tell me...



was i on a nude beach with elton john ???

BOOM - CHICKA...1978 - 1987 _

l went BOOM -CHICKA...


i sang while chewing a dead rat...



 the camp nurse creamed her panties...



she gave me a chocolate chip cookie .

AUGUST 1987...THE CAR ACCIDENT

before i left for my week at camp...



i felt the distinct urge to pray that my dog wouldn't get killed by a car...



when i arrived back home...l was informed it was a miraculous survival...



as she hobbled toward me , her leg in sling .

SUMMER CAMP 1987

...the sun sets over the lake monster...



waves hit the beach like severed hands...



everybody knew...



but no one was saying .

FATHER'S GRAPES...1969

my father told me to come inside...



that he had some grapes...i hesitated...



i wondered how he could possibly beat me with grapes...



he looked at me and said...THESE GRAPES ARE FOR EATING .

TIA PAN...1989

i reached down to pick up a fan belt...



instead , it was a snake...



apparently one bite could kill , like , 30 people



sometimes life is a snake on the road .

RUMOURS...1995

in 1995 , i believe...

i heard a rumour that i have...

frozen rats in my fridge...

african or european , i wonder . 

I FUCKED UP...JULY 1999

...fuck-ups are what lies between grains of sand...



... on the sweet summer beach...



....fuck-ups can build an eternal empires...



...if you look at them through the right wave beaten piece of glass .  

...MY GIRL , BILL...

...my girl ,  choked on chicken and died



...i told my mother that she should have killed it



...plucked it and fried it...before she ate it



...she informed me that the fryer was broken .

FAMILY GATHERING...SUMMER 1968 or 1969

...i remember the bucket of chicken in the back yard



...how it seemed to fly away as my brother slowly became a sex maniac



...i sat quietly with my drum stick as the media discovered



... that everything they knew about dinosaurs was wrong .

MY FATHER 1962 - 1970

...my father was a weatherman



...his favourite prediction



...was mean and cold



...with some afternoon : " go fuck yourself ''

SOMETIME IN 1974 - 1975

my great aunt walks into my brothers bedroom...



there are pictures of naked women posted all over the walls...



he is smoking a joint...



...'' want some ??? " , he says as he blows the smoke across the room ,

BILLIONS TO ONE

i threw my raquet at the tennis ball...



there were no flying rats to be found...



anyway , it hit the fucking thing...



and fell like a testicle to the ground .

...my terrier...

i had a vision of my dog being hit by a car...

i prayed she would survive...

not long after , she was pummelled by some silly fucker in a pick-up ...

the dr. even said she recited the bible on the operating table .  

CAMP BROWN SQUIRREL 1987

...there i was...lying in the woods...fucking paralysed



...BUT WAIT...there is my old friend mr. squirrel...



...'' hello , mr. squirrel '' , he looks at me as if to say...''go fuck yourself ''...



...and flings a turd in my general direction .

THE SPARTAN...2000 - 2010...give or take...

i ate at THE SPARTAN...


i washed their dishes...served their coffee...


shovelled their sidewalk...cleaned the tables...


i even made love to their bacon in the back room .

THE RED FALCON...1978 -1981

the red falcon...

hovered around the burning campfire...

as the camp songs rolled off our lips...

and the hash brownies meandered through our brains . 

MY ONE EXPERIENCE WITH PORN...1989

...my one experience with porn...FAILED MISERABLY



...it was a 300 pound crazy woman



...slapping her tits until they got stuck in her make-up



...complete with background howling wolves .

SATURDAY NIGHT PING PONG...1972 - 1974

ping pong in grade six...



my opponents fall like flies...



i strike like a baboon...



there is shit all over the wall .

BEING JUDGEMENTAL...1966-1970

we grew up on a diet of THE BANANA SPLITS and THE MONKEES...



their attempt to make STUPID into an art form...



was right up there...



with sending men to the moon .  

BATMAN...1967-1970

...i wanted a BATMAN t-shirt



...with a picture of BATMAN on it



...maybe sucking off THE JOKER



...or bowling , or something .

THE ANGEL...MAY 1979

...an angel flew into my bedroom...



turned on some music...



offered me a smoke...



then said...BE GOOD AND DON'T BE STUPID .

LEMARCHANT...1972 - 1974

...my grade five teacher



...told me and the other kids to square dance



...''dance , you miserable fuckers'' , she said



...as the clock moved like a chicken above the door .

second year poetry...1981 -1982

this fellow i know...



thinks that walt whitmen sucks...



i once saw walt whitmen's tits...



not that that has anything to do with it .

tobogganing in grade 12...

it was a snowy day in geography class...



but the roof kept most of it out...



we met at the hill to do our best james dean...



if my dog new , she would be be jealous .