AS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED...SEPT . 1991

...as previously mentioned...some fucker literally attempted to run me over in the autumn of 1991...BUT HERE IS THE THING...maybe he got me...maybe the information simply escaped me for one reason or another...REALLY...who the fuck knows what is going on...one thing for sure...it ain't what we think it is .

MY BROTHER...CITIZEN OF THE YEAR ...1975

...so this fucker breaks into the house...i go to the downstairs flat and summon my brother from his nest...i say...'' hey , steve...someone is in the house ''...he simply lifts up his pillow and exposes his hand gun...then there appears a big fat smile upon his face...he says...GOOD !!!

...they could have sold tickets to see my brother and father go 12 rounds with each other .

THE GRIZZLY BEAR...SQUIRREL LAKE...1979

...i was in the middle of the lake...snap !!! i heard a breaking branch...FUCK !!! we are all dead...grab the sex toys...run for the hills !!!

...in everyone's soul...there is grizzly bear...waiting for a bowl of corn flakes .

THE SWEATER MY FRIEND KNITTED ME...1985

i would walk to the post box in the night...wearing my genuine CHERYL REID ORIGINAL Sweater...nothing else...just my C > R > O > S...and , boy , didn't the raccoons go crazy over it .

seven raccoons choked and died trying to molest that piece of wool .  

FAMILY GATHERING...1974 - 1975

...legend has it that my brother bit off the cock of a vampire .

...then fucked up his face .

WESTMOUNT...1967 - 1970

i started smoking WHITE OWL CIGARS when i was five years old...they were almost as long as i was  .

...it must have been some fucking sight watching me walk down the street with one stuck to my face .

NOVA SCOTIA...1985

my father calls me in the middle of the night and asks...NO , DEMANDS...that i seduce his x - girlfriend...emphasis on the ''x'' .

...i say... ''no''...thus , begins this episode of DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY FEUD .  

PORTA PLATA...FEBRUARY 2015

...got back from porta plata...the customs officer asks me where i stayed .

reply...'' i forget '' .

think about it this way...if the entire universe intersects the entire universe all at the same time...then , my  guess...is that everyone is everywhere...all at once .  

LAMARCHANT SCHOOL...1970 - 1974

...we played 4 SQUARE in the playground...the winner got to place a dog turd on the teacher's desk .

...then she started throwing them back at us...you know ??? like a rock star...no fair !!!

THE BLACK BEAR / KEGI PARK ...1993

i took a picture of a black bear...and when it was developed...( the picture...not the bears tits , or anything ) ...no bear .

...there was air instead of bear , my dear

...i concluded...it was a spiritual animal...a sign of sorts...of peace...love...that bears are nice .

WESTMOUNT SCHOOL...1967

...in grade primary...i stole a big plastic monkey and took it home .

...as punishment...my teacher wouldn't french kiss any more .

CAMP KIDSTON 1978 - 1980

lyrically...the best song ever...RAM SAM SAM / RAM SAM SAM / GOOLY GOOLY GOOLY GOOLY / RAM SAM SAM .

complete with ram sam sam positions...like...head up ass and things like that .

BRISBANE , AUSTRALIA...SHOPPING MALL 1988

...these two kids looked like they weren't really interested in their cheese cake...so i ate it .

i asked them first , of course...i wouldn't want to be rude or anything .

NEW YEARS EVE 1982

...there she was...stoned on mushrooms...did we have a date ??? or did she just fall from the sky ??? i really don't know .

we ate chineese food at the garden view...( which , by the way , had no view of the gardens ) .

WINNING CAPE BRETON ISLAND CLASS ' A '...1985

as i walked off the court...to tremendous applause...someone handed me a note from my lady friend...'' dear stu...FUCK OFF '' ...by the time i got to my trophy...it seemed like all of the island could see me ''lose my cookies''...those fucking humiliating cookies .

...sometimes victory can be a hard luck story .

LE TONYA...1978

...a very intellectual relationship...and the first subject to come up...was my penis .

...she was also good at milking cows...sorta .

WESTMOUNT SEPTEMBER 1967...SCHOOL

...i remember the first day of school...my little red school bag...the crayons...learning to count to four...and the human sacrifice at the end of the day .

...we ate 27 janitors that year .

LEAVING SCOTT...DEC . 1982

my auto-mobile ploughed through the snow like the throbbing penis of love...the midnight sky vagina...i was listening on the radio...'' on the first day of christmas my true love gave to me...a beer '' ...now , that is my kind of woman .

little did we know...the universe forgot to change its p.j.'s .

GROWING UP IN THE 60's AND 70's

back in the 70's...kids like me would beat the crap out of other kids...and the teachers would say...''boys will be boys ''...THESE DAYS...you tell someone that 9 times 7 isn't 45...and you are a fucking bully .

...what we need is a monkey...and some brave bastard to stick it in the middle .

ST . ANDREW' S CHURCH...1979

...in the process of hiring a new minister...and you best not get in their fucking way .

...where there is power...there is the abuse of power...and the best you can hope for is to get your dick sucked . 

TAZZ RECORDS...1990 - 200?

...he was the king of music...the guru among guru's...with SCREAMING J . blasting through his BOSTON CREAM DONUT...soft rock fans melted like bees wax .

...BUT...did he ever actually make a child into a sandwich ???

HONEYBUNCH AND THE THREE BEARS...1990 OR 1991

...so this guy...confesses to me...his pastor...that he is gay...i tell him that's neat...i think poodles are kinda cute...thing is...from that day on...every time i caught him looking at me...it is like...HE WANTS TO KILL ME .

...life works both ways , honeybunch !!!

THE HOCKEY GAME...1974...AUTUMN

...street hockey...CENTRAL HALIFAX...us...beat the living shit out of WESTMOUNT...10 - 0...then they wanted to fight us...and we beat the crap out of them again .


...WITH GOD ON OUR SIDE...

PHONE SEX...1995 and 20...WHATEVER

my one experience with phone sex...( besides perverts calling me in the middle of the night )...was with my beautiful love , UNANIMOUS .

we went through 17 phones...thank god you can get them really cheap .

CAMP KIDSTON...1987

GOD...what a guy !!!

AN OLD FORGOTTEN FRIEND...1981 - 1983

 just met this fellow on the road...he asked my name then proceeded to tell me that he was about to get the shit kicked out of him when he was a kid...but i intervened...GLAD I COULD HELP .


bee NICE !!!

CAMP KIDSTON...JUNE 1979

...i pick up this young , beautiful hitch - hiker on the road to camp...she did tropical bird calls and sipped cream soda for 50 miles...and where was her destination , you may ask ??? same place as mine .

the road less travelled is even more interesting if you are naked .

MY GREAT AUNT...1979

...i played chris de burgh for my great aunt...she just wiggled her head in shock and horror...her hands shook  as she dropped her joint to the floor...every paedophile in her congregation signed a partition condemning mr . deburgh ....

meanwhile...he didn't know a fucking thing about any of this shit .

FLOURIE...1979

...i played chris de burgh for my great aunt...she just wiggled her head in shock and horror...her hands shook  as she dropped her joint to the floor...every paedophile in her congregation signed a partition condemning mr . deburgh ....

meanwhile...he didn't know a fucking thing about any of this shit .

SELAH...1995 - 1999

...the fuckers actually had spies that they sent to our community...i guess they were so proud of themselves that they had to share this information .

people really don't know what they should be proud of...or ashamed of .

THE YOUTH GROUPS...1995

...so they began a youth group down the street...objective ??? simple...fuck up ours...we will refer to these two groups as...THE MASTURBATING AND NON-MASTURBATING  GROUPS .


...guess who won ???  

BUSINESS AS USUAL...200?

...so i make this fucker a pizza...and he flips out because there are no hot dogs on it...he is shaking and his eyes are bulging .

...i give up cooking .

BE CAREFUL WHAT PRICK YOU BEAT

i came within the width of a white man's penis of beating the shit out of my grade 10 math teacher...THEN I HAD THIS BLINDING LIGHT EXPERIENCE...GOD SAID TO ME...if you want to beat a prick...stick to the one between your legs .

RICKY AND STU...AUGUST 1979 / AUGUST 1980

in 1979 , ricky and i played this game we affectionately refer to as CITIES...THING IS...'' the powers that be'' screwed us like the whore of babylon...and we finished second...we vowed to win the next year no matter what...


does it mattered that we lied ??? NOPE...cheated ??? how do you think moses parted the red sea ??? handcuffed our main competition to a tree ??? who gives a fuck ??? released a herd of rabbit dingo's into the forest ??? if you read the greek new testament...jesus did the exact same thing .

long story short...WE WON !!!

PEPSI WILSON MINOR TENNIS LEAGUE...1981 - 1983

...i used to do this thing where i would serve a tennis ball so hard...it would break the raquets into two pieces...i justified it by saying that it prepared the boys for puberty...and girls for a long , stupid , dull life...if they decided to be heterosexual .

CAMP KIDSTON...AUGUST 1987

...as an exorcize...i told the kids to talk to a tree and try to imagine what the tree would say if it could talk back...THING IS...one of the little fuckers lost his marbles when the tree wouldn't say a fucking thing .

...sure it was funny...but it got just a little bit too weird .

DEAD CALM...SEPT . 1991

this guy is in bed masturbating...this other guy says...WHO ARE YOU THINKING OF ??? the reply...YOUR SISTER .

...not another word was spoken .

OUTSIDE BOSTON...SEPTEMBER 1991 PART 1

...i walk down this country road just outside salem...i hear a rock crash by my feet...i look to my right onto a field and see the golden illuminated outline of a man smashing the head of another man open with a rock...within seconds...a car attempts to run me over...i jump into the ditch .

...and the cosmos spins like a raccoon .

SOUTH SHORE CLASS A JULY 1985...LOST IN THE FINALS

...i take what may be the last bite of my jellyfish sandwich...as brenda peach - tits bunny  drives down the wrong side of the highway at 120 miles per hour...flapping her gums in the wind like they held the cure for cancer .

...now , this is what i call tennis .

AUSTRALIAN SWIMMING POOL...1989

there was a baptism in a swimming pool...the pool rumbled...and the parishioners saw strange shapes upon the water...and when the pictures were developed...these shapes appeared in the form of demonic entities...maybe on vacation , who knows ???

...this did not , however...interrupt the video afterwards...TURNER AND HOOTCH .  

SUMMER 1981...# 11 CLASS A NOVA SCOTIA

...the wonderful thing about breaking up with the most beautiful girl in the world...is that you know you can't get any dumber .

squirrels are like penis's...don't ever corner one in a tree...or something like that , anyway . 

SUMMER 1981...ALONE AND MYSTIFIED

...i spent the night time reading the bible under a flood light in the school ground...my favourite bit was when noah said to the elves that he would never join a club who would have someone like him as a member .

...my spaniel possibly would have bitten noah...and he definitely would have avoided david like the fucking plague .  

BROWN SQUIRREL...1979 or 1980

i rewrote a camp song...BROWN SQUIRREL...and it travelled across north america in less than one year .

'' brown squirrel , brown squirrel shake that bushy tail ''...but hopefully in private .

THE MAGIC FROG...AUG . 1986

...i stuck a firecracker inside a frog's mouth...then i realized...that frog was me .

...rickie got frog in his hair .

THE FUCKING CHAPEL... JULY 1980

'' i can hear you down at the fucking chapel ''...said the red falcon to those surrounding the evening fire .

...they just trebled as they grabbed another weiner...and stuffed it into their mouths .

THE NORTHERN LIGHTS...SEPT. 1981

...in september 1981... i saw the NORTHERN LIGHTS...they were like tits...but you couldn't reach out and grab them...no matter how hard you tried .

...so i settled for some chocolate milk .

THE APPLE TREE...SEPTEMBER 1980

under the apple tree...we notice no apples...we have better things to do...like listen to JAMES TAYLOR...and notice the apples .

...kids...

STEVEN...THE RED FALCON...CAMP KIDSTON...1978 -1981

there are elves in the woods...they play games and hide...they don't give a screw...as they know the RED FALCON circles their quiet little abode .

...the red falcon is a community development engineer .

I LOVE PIG...JULY 1980

...it was a sunny day...we ate our communion bread and drank our wine...listening to jackson browne ...we flew to the moon with pigs and pig meat swallowed into infinity .

BAY SIDE CAMP...1995

we sang FIRES BURNING...then a kid fell off the log and snapped his arm into two equal pieces...it sounded like a sasquatch drugging and raping a baboon , crushing his bones for added flavour .

YET...the fire was still burning...and the hobgoblins still danced with their dicks in their hands .

 

LONG LAKE...AUGUST 1987

some people who love this place eagerly await the day that i choke on a can of cat food...STILL...what a beautiful lake...( especially the loons ) .

LIFE INSURANCE...END OF 1980

i saw you in the ACADIA UNIVERSITY dining hall , 1980...you flipped out...everything gone...like a kids baseball through a billion dollar window .

FUCK...i hope someone loved you .

ULTIMATELY...all we have is each other .

LET ' S GET PISSED...1973

...when i was 10 or 11 years old...i pissed in a friends shampoo bottle...his father began to lose his hair shortly thereafter...then there was the sound of the wayward raven .  

CRABS...1972 or THREE

...i was soon to realize...that my crabs were like people...i  was the black one with one claw...i went sideways...but did i go sideways enough ???

THE DRAGON...january 1988

i walk down the beech...straight into a KAMODO DRAGON...he is having a drink with some SEVENTH DAY ADVENTISTS...it was a sunny day .

when a dragon walks down the beach...you can see where his testicles drag...and that is why they call them DRAGONS .

MY TENNIS PARTNER...NOV . 1994

my friend drove straight into a truck...his peanut butter and budgie sandwich all but disintegrated...he had just proposed to a young lady...who lived a hundred miles down the road .

SOUTH SHORE...CLASS A 1984

...it was a sunny day...my friend's gal closed her eyes and masturbated as she drove down the wrong side of the country road 100 miles per hour...the tomato's gushed out of my sandwich as i chomped down and shat my pants  , like a brown train coming out of a tunnel...don henly was on the radio .

SELAH RETREAT...1998 - 2016

every year come march...we try to plug into each other...and maybe play a little ping-pong with the cat...the cat usually loses...but it is closer than you may suspect .

COMMUNITY IS LOVE .

CAMP WORKSHOP...JULY 1980

the sun sets in a more mysterious position when there are angels in front of it...and a creeking door sounds more like vulnerability than rusty hinges .

LOVE IS A CHOICE...but the universe will take complete notice .

PREACHING IN THE CHURCH BY THE OCEAN...1991 or 1992

i was supposed to do a strip tease show...complete with a stuffed bunny rabbit for my crotch and a hand full of magic mushrooms for every dick shit in the congregation...THING  IS...the map to get there was simply a picture of earth...and a picture of pluto...with a line and arrow connecting them both .

...got there just as the cock crowed three times .

MY YETI HUNT...AUGUST... 2000

somewhere near mount blanc...i hunted the yeti...according to the tele...he was about one tree behind me the whole time .

question...is this a metaphor for life ???  

THE PRAYER MEETING...1997

i went to this prayer meeting to bring a little bit of healing and forgiveness into a rather difficult situation .

...they snuck away when i was not looking and i never saw them again .

STONED...SUMMER 1991

...i got stoned...took off my clothes...dove into a lake...and proclaimed to the world...I AM A SEAL .

...the sky opens...i see god...he says : YOU AIN'T NO FUCKING SEAL !!!

...OH , my head drops...as i spin around , slightly subdued .

THE CAT IN THE CARRIAGE...200?

...i see this baby carriage...intuitively i know that there is no baby inside it...but a cat...i walk over to take a look...yup...it's a cat all right...and i think the little fucker is stoned .

...i continue my journey .

MY EXTRAORDINARY HAT...200?

...forgot my hat...arrived at my destination...there it was...when i got home...there it was again...right where i left it in the first place .

...strange days .

ALICE SPRINGS...WINTER 1989

i drink wine...and ponder what i have learned in bible college...like...masturbation is the devil's playground...and crocodiles used their teeth to dig up roots and shit...(before eve got caught sucking off adam ) ...you know , theology !!!

AYRES ROCK...WINTER 1989

my guess is that i climbed AYRES ROCK in my heart , long before i made the journey in AUSTRALIA...possibly...we incubate everything before we live it .

MY THREE FRIENDS...OVER FOUR DECADES...70's , 80's , 90's , 00's

...three of my best friends ever...over a period of four decades...all moved into the same house...they had never met each other...there were billions  of other houses they could have moved in to...and they all had the same favourite dinosaur...THE PENISAURIS REX...who fucked themselves to extinction .

bet ya didn't know that .

THE GARBAGE CAN...1995 / 1996

there was this garbage can in front of my apartment building that i would throw garbage into on my way to the whore house...SO GUESS WHAT THE FUCKERS DID ??? they took the fucking thing away...you know...because i was putting FUCKING garbage into it...my GOD , man...what is this ??? russia or something ???

MY NON...FISHING GRANDFATHER...LATE 1994

i found out my grandfather died...sitting on a friend's front steps...talking about people who appreciated the fine art of setting cars on fire...

...set my car on fire , you little prick...and see what happens .

9 - 11...ASS HOLES COME IN EVERY SHAPE , SIZE , RELIGION...WHATEVER...

right after 9 - 11....i am in a convenience store and this fellow is abusing this MUSLIM gentleman...just because he thinks he can get away with it...i position myself to intervene...and the arrogant little fucker turns on me... WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT ??? he belched...YOU , i reply... I THINK YOU GOT A NICE ASS AND I THINK YOU ARE PURDY .

...i have never seen someone move so fast in my life .

  

BATTLE...OCT . 94 / DEC . 97

...we love more in a battle...thing is...we also battle more in a battle .

...and the farmer's son fornicates with the sheep as the mother looks on...just to hurt her feelings...FUCKER !!! ( it wouldn't be so bad if he actually liked screwing sheep ) .

BINGO...1988 - 1989...AUSTRALIA

...just a few minutes from my home was a bingo hall...i would casually approach like a jedi knight...open the door...yell...BINGO...and fuck off as fast as my feet would carry me...the sound of bells dancing and clinging in the ever-growing distance .

JACOB RIVER...SEPT . 1981

JACOB RIVER wore a potato sack...and drove a bicycle that he could barely peddle to his ass hole...jacob liked  cream filled donuts...but thought that dogs should be gently placed back in the forest where GOD put them in the first place...JACOB washed his feet in the cool halifax autumn water...wrote really stupid shit that made no sense...and travelled the universe in a paper cup .

JACOB WAS ONE OF GOD'S OWN...JACOB WAS AWESOME .

TUPPER...1990 - 1991

...so this ignorant prick throws a bomb through the basement window of this street person that i just happened to be particularly fond of...tearing the walls apart like godzilla's dick inside mrs . godzilla's private parts...( though , they really aren't very private at all ) .

do you know what happens when a street person gets blown up into little pieces ??? basically...not a fucking thing...a few old people gather around and drink ginger beer , but that is about it...you know , besides the juggling rattlesnakes .

and my point...CARE !!!

THE ALCOHOLIC...200?

one thing about an alcoholic...when they drive through a drive through...they really FUCKING drive through .

...and the sun burger burnt the roof of my mouth .

MARCH 20 1978

the greatest journey you will have on this planet...is the unravelling and understanding of your heart .

CAMP KIDSTON...JULY 1979

the best part of peeking at a young lady when she is getting changed...i refer to as the in between part...you know ??? when the clothes are off and the bathing suit is still around the knees...( at best )...THIS IS THE TWILIGHT ZONE OF CHANGING...as the professionals say...and is the main reason why people go to school...you know ??? to exorcize that dirty little mind of theirs...so when they finally get to see a cute little thing...or a well shaved sasquatch...or a mermaid...or whatever your fucking shit is...they can save it in your head...store it in there until night fall...and use it for wacking material .

...thank's for the day , campers ???

THE DEMON POSSESSED LADY WITH THE ODD SOCKS...MID 90 ' S

i walk up to this meals to go kinda place with this young , soon to be marine , sex maniac who claims to have seen the loch ness monster outside of his hotel room while masturbating...i ask for the biggest fucking box of fresh fish that JESUS has ever placed upon this planet...

...suddenly...a lady from across the isle begins to scream at me in three different languages at the same time...then she points like a rats nose...and bolts like fox a with his nuts on fire...terrorizing the village people... ( the customers , not the band )...as she hobbles and twists and hisses and claws at the door .

i check my pants...just to make sure my dick isn't hanging out .

CHARITY EXTENDS SO FAR...sometime in the 90 's

...so this fucker yells at me from 100 yards away... I'VE BEEN TORTURING GOD'S PEOPLE FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS...AND I STILL AM .

using my discernment...i quickly conclude...THIS IDIOT NEEDS A HAND-JOB IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY .

THE PROPHET...TOWNSVILLE , AUSTRALIA...1988

one of my favourite moments in bible college...is when this fellow stood up in front of the class...pointed his figure at this other fellow...and proceeded to tell him that...and i quote : GOD IS GOING TO BEAT YOU WITH A BIG STICK .

...i am not sure what GOD had to say on the subject .

REHMA BIBLE COLLEGE...1988

...i gave myself a 99 % on preaching practice...the teacher made me watch the video again and issue myself another mark...so i did...100 % .

i didn't do it...but , in all likely hood...the best way to get yourself through bible college...is the fuck your way through .

AUTUMN...1978

in 1978 , i went to MONTREAL and watched : KISS AND THE PHANTOM...all i remember is GENE SIMMONS , walking down a hall with those stupid fucking clod hoppers of his...lungs hissing like he was in the final stages of pneumonia... looking like a sewer alien , climbing through truck loads of shit and sperm...simply to journey into the middle of an ass hole .

GENE SIMMONS  is awesome !!!

...we watch hockey as well...MONTREAL 3 - 1 , over BOSTON .

JEFF THE CROW...AUG . 2010

...i was telling the story of JEFF THE CROW...my friend looks down at his computer...and there before him...is a picture of a crow named JEFF .

CHRISTMAS AT THE LIQUOR COMMISSION...DEC. 1987...i was the security guard...

while waiting to make the purchase...i got the enthusiastic little tribe of customers...fresh from their course in octopusology... to partake in a sing song...number seven with a bullet ??? BROWN SQUIRREL , BROWN SQUIRREL...SHAKE THAT FUCKING TAIL...and they all danced around...bobbing...shaking that tail...maybe even a little bit of prancing .

...and the best part ??? the ever popular reaction from the manager  .

...SMILE...HAVE A LOVELY DAY !!!

ORGANIZED RELIGION...1978 - 1999

picking your nose is not the same as having two universes crash into each other...no matter what some prick says .

PRAYER TAKEN TO ANOTHER LEVEL...200?

...there i was in the library...praying for world peace...( opposed to world peas...which , of course , is also a good idea )...and feeling inclined to pray for this individual that i had never met nor seen before in my life...

THEN , suddenly...AND I SHIT YOU NOT...this lady i had know from years back...appears from out of nowhere...( sorta like GHOSTBUSTERS )...and introduces me to the fellow next to me...

...who just happened to be the guy i was praying for .


 

SUNDAY SUPPERS...1991 - 1992

there i am preaching...clothes on and everything...suddenly...this old fart begins to scream at me...tells me i am sending these people to hell...( does not speculate north or south)...then...the old lady sitting...well...in another chair...( i don'r remember , exactly )...belches out....SHUT THE FUCK UP...HE'S MY FRIEND...SHUT UP...

...and what did i do ??? good question...i summoned all my wisdom and courage together...all my brilliance and discernment...and did...SWEET FUCK ALL...but i did it with class !!!

SELAH...SEPT . '92 - DEC '94

love is a village...much like THE VILLAGE PEOPLE...THE VILLAGE OF THE DAMNED...THE ETERNAL VILLAGE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD...and 90 's super group...LITTLE VILLAGE...all rolled up into one .

...choose your friends carefully...and if you cannot see their heart...don't expect it is there .

MY STRAWBERRY HILL COMPANION...AUGUST 1985

i took a nap in my little chick-a-poo's bed before THE PARTY...tossing in the hamburger bun like contraption...( opposed to tossing off ) ...my left hand stumbled upon this book full of vaginas...big ones...little ones...well cropped ones...invisible ones...they were all there...dancing and prancing inside the covers...like bambi in a rain forest.

...i took it all in...pages one to 74...( with the exception of 49 , which was a complete dud )...and thought to myself...I NEVER KNEW MY DEAR LIFE LONG FRIEND WAS A DRUID ???

( i wish i were a lesbian )...

CHRISSY'S WEDDING...SEPTEMBER 2008

five or six dollars a beer...SO...i snuck mine into the bathroom for free...

...and that's why i get to be the reverend .

THE TENNIS SHOT...JUNE 1975

maybe your life hinges upon one particular moment...and that moment will define all else...you don't know when it is coming...nor when it has arrived...and it does not care if your dick is in your hand or you are staggering through a tiger infested forest of lost souls .

...and one more thing...THE FUCKING BALL WAS NOT OUT !!!

WEST GREEN HARBOUR BLUES... 1966 - 1972

my grandfather lived in WEST GREEN HARBOUR...his friend bought a jews- harp...and put out his front teeth...lucky he didn't play it with his bird and pulverize his nuts .

HOME FROM PORTA PLATA...FEB . 2015

halifax customs...the chubby sweet little unflowered lady asked me where i had been staying...slightly misunderstanding the question...i told her that i didn't know...( you know , with the earth's plates moving and all that shit )...ANYWAY...next thing i know...a german shepherd is licking between my balls while singing a chorus of newfoundland folk songs .

i suspect the dog was gay .

CLEANEST DIRTY OLD MAN IN THE WORLD...MID 0's

...some  people just have a weird thing for public showers...SCOTTY and I wrote a song about it : " THE CLEANEST DIRTY OLD MAN IN THE WORLD " .

( sad , actually ) .

INNER CITY YOUTH CLUB...JULY 1992

...i told this father that his kid was violent...he threatened to beat me up .

THE HIKE...AUGUST 1991

we were hiking through a virgin stream...i turned to my friend and suggested that it would be a snappy idea if we both found a can of our favourite beer...within 30 seconds...there they are at the bottom...stuck between a universe of hope and a universe of sadness...labels dancing in the water...CLANCY'S and BECK'S...nestled against billion year old stones...like an alien space craft against a giant brain that thought he knew everything...but actually knew sweet fuck all .

...the universe ejaculates all over space and time . 

INNER CITY YOUTH CLUB...I LEFT SEPT . 1992...church scrapped...???

the minister said GOD would purge the church of sin...HE sure as fuck did...they ploughed the thing down...no more sin !!!

LATE DECEMBER 1988...A FRIENDS PLACE

walking superhero pigeon like with my coffee in hand...waiting for the meat pie shop to open like bogfoot's ejaculation...two more hours to go .

i consider the possibility that i am the only student in bible college who does not screw meat pies .

i don't fucking care , actually...i just want my fucking meat pies.

THANK ' S FOR THE DAY CAMPERS...END OF AUGUST 1980

...the illusion of love is just like love...but without the hard parts .

FULL MOON... AUG . 1980

we have meteors...we have the moon...what we need is another moon...for when passing clouds are fucking up the first one .

...or maybe we just need each other .

END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT...OCT . 31 1994

it is not that i caught you lying to me...it is that you would throw a fucking hissy-fit if i ever wrote a song about it...that's the turtle inside my underwear .

...the cat steals the food and frames the dog when JESUS is busy saving souls .

DARK SIDE OF THE MOON...MAY 1980

i had a vision of MOSES separating the spaniels from the people...the people broke the tablets as the spaniels leaped through the air into GOD'S MERCIFUL ARMS .

...the people pissed their iron outfits and chopped their donkeys into shapes found only at the centre of the earth .  

  

PEPSI WILSON MINOR TENNIS LEAGUE...SUMMERS 1981 - 1983

...the great outdoors...objective...turning a game played with sticks and balls into a life changing , spiritual , heart healing experience .

the seagulls would shit on the cars driving by...as we fried eggs on the plexy-pave and rounded up the cattle like LITTLE JOE and his sacred moon-jumping glow in the dark cow .

...your success is your love !!!

CATCHING SHIT AT SUMMER CAMP

my first sermon...and was told...'' what the fuck did you do that for ??? '' why do we do anything , really ??? whatever the reason...we hope we don't get shit for it ...( most of us ) .

meanwhile...the universe moves like road kill on a hot summer day .