the great white north...1982

it was the winter of 1982...



we went from a great white shark off of the coast of long island...



to two hoseheads chomping down boston cream donuts...



and if you don't like it...TAKE OFF , EH !!!

visiting gram...1962 - 1972

we came flying down the gravel road...



dirt spraying like hashish smoke...



dad spelling his rum and coke...



just one more turn and i ' ll be there .



 

chicken on special in the mall 1988 -1999

every morning in bible college...



we would pray that the chicken...



would go on special...



many people would get trampled , but that's o .k.  

1969 , give or take a year

my grandmother would collect me...



these small , little pinball games...



out of boxes of tea or something...



dick tracy and bugs bunny were my favourite .

down stairs , 1974

my great aunt florie...



walked into my brothers' room...



and saw naked girlie pictures all over the wall...



my brother said : '' want a toke ??? '' .

mid eighties , nude pictures of myself...

the minister's daughter took my pictures out of my shopping bag...



then she blabbed to her  father...



apparently , her stealing shit is fine and dandy...



but having a dick will send you to hell .

winter 1982...

david and i ate donuts and drank coffee...



i think i had almond crunch...



the donuts , not the coffee...



then came the aliens when i was getting a refill .

GRANDMA'S FEATHER BED...JULY 1972

...grandma did not have a feather bed...



what she did have was a fisherman who FUCKING HATED FISHING...



 he would fiddle endlessly on his c.b. radio...



and drink until the fish came home...which , of course...they never did .

sometime in 1989...

i walked into bible college...



i looked around at all the non-masturbatory blood jugglers...



the sermon was on...well...me...



apparently , i am one of god's biggest fuck-ups .  

CHAMPAIGN BEER / AUGUST 1986...

i took eight kids hiking in the middle of the forest...



and ordered out for pizza...



a black bear salivated in the distance...



i gave him a piece for a swig of his champagne .

missing cats...1974 - 1975

my great aunt would steal cats...



lure them to her house with exotic fish pieces...



then my brother would shoot them...



i believe he collected MISSING CAT signs .

SUMMER CAMP...1979 or 1980

i was attacked by a bear...



but he was not a real bear...



come to think of it...



it wasn't a real attack , either .

THE PARKING LOT GAME SHOW...1984 - 1985

i would ask the men working on the construction sight a skill testing question...



like what rock star had the biggest cock...



AND IF THE ANSWER WAS CORRECT...




A NEW CAR !!! or a rubber ball...or something .

...the train to nice...

last day of france...



all the people were celebrating  masturbation day...




we kissed like a movie from 1957...



as the train appeared into the night .

LAUGHTER AND SUMMER CAMPING...1979

...barb and i went to see kermit...



and the amazing flying pig...



better known as miss . piggy...



pork  the fuck right out of her , you whorny , green fucker !!!

BAY SIDE CAMP 1992...SASQUATCH HUNT...

i dresses like a sasquatch...

you know , the suit ,  the briefcase...

the whole fucking thing minus the 16 inch penis...

then proceeded to terrorise the village .    

THE SWEATER AND THE LAWS OF PHYSICS...2007

...in distress...( my friend had just died )



...i accidentally threw my sweater down the garbage shoot...( thinking it was trash )



...i then ran to the fellow who was awaiting me



...only to find the same sweater in the back of his car .

...'' the family that plays together ''...

my father calls me in the night...



tells me to go to dartmouth and



'' fuck his x-girlfriend ''



i pour me a peanut butter  sandwich .

THE WASHROOM...200?

you wanted to seduce me...



i said...SURE...



GET YOUR HUSBAND'S PERMISSION...




 AND WE COULD START RIGHT AWAY .

MEMBERTON...1978 - 1980

i walk into the cabin...and it says...



perpetually , STU STRANG IS A HUNK...


it said other shit too , like the cure for cancer...



but who gives a fuck ???

MY BROTHERS MOUSTACHE...1986

my brother was a cook...



the kitchen would not allow him to wear a beard...



so he wore a moustache...



right down to his fucking ass .

THE DOG WAS POSSESSED...JANUARY 1997

from about 200 yards away , a german shepherd rises to his feet 

and heads for the front , left panel of our automobile...  

when he hits , it sounds like a bullet...

he leaves a bloody dent  as he hobbles into the sunset .

...summer of 1991...

down by the lake , we took off our clothes...



we pretended we were spider monkeys...


spider monkeys with rolled up joints...



twirling around in the water like eels .

NUDE BEACH WITH ELTON JOHN...JULY 2000

he lived down the street...



he was home , it looked like him...



now you tell me...



was i on a nude beach with elton john ???

BOOM - CHICKA...1978 - 1987 _

l went BOOM -CHICKA...


i sang while chewing a dead rat...



 the camp nurse creamed her panties...



she gave me a chocolate chip cookie .

AUGUST 1987...THE CAR ACCIDENT

before i left for my week at camp...



i felt the distinct urge to pray that my dog wouldn't get killed by a car...



when i arrived back home...l was informed it was a miraculous survival...



as she hobbled toward me , her leg in sling .

SUMMER CAMP 1987

...the sun sets over the lake monster...



waves hit the beach like severed hands...



everybody knew...



but no one was saying .

FATHER'S GRAPES...1969

my father told me to come inside...



that he had some grapes...i hesitated...



i wondered how he could possibly beat me with grapes...



he looked at me and said...THESE GRAPES ARE FOR EATING .

TIA PAN...1989

i reached down to pick up a fan belt...



instead , it was a snake...



apparently one bite could kill , like , 30 people



sometimes life is a snake on the road .

RUMOURS...1995

in 1995 , i believe...

i heard a rumour that i have...

frozen rats in my fridge...

african or european , i wonder . 

I FUCKED UP...JULY 1999

...fuck-ups are what lies between grains of sand...



... on the sweet summer beach...



....fuck-ups can build an eternal empires...



...if you look at them through the right wave beaten piece of glass .  

...MY GIRL , BILL...

...my girl ,  choked on chicken and died



...i told my mother that she should have killed it



...plucked it and fried it...before she ate it



...she informed me that the fryer was broken .